


in skating we axel

by pictureperfectporcelain



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Flirting, Group chat, Humour, Implied Relationships, M/M, Mild Language, Multi, Underage Drinking, kiss marry kill, otabek is savage, sassy!otabek, seriously poor yurio, viktor and yuuri make out, yurio is an angry cinnamon roll
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-09-11 11:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 25,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8978659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pictureperfectporcelain/pseuds/pictureperfectporcelain
Summary: Phichit created group: “in skating we axel” (Or, the Yuri!! on Ice silly group chat fic that nobody asked for.)





	1. in which phichit has a bad idea

**Phichit created group: “in skating we axel”**

 

**Phichit changed his name to “ImCoolAsIce”**

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** guys?

 

 **Yurio:** what the fuck

 

 **Yurio:** what the fuck is this

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** its a group where we can all talk!!!

 

 **Yurio:** is the name a fucking pun

 

 **Yurio:** i’ll hurt you

 

**Phichit changed Yurio’s name to “Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll”**

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** WHAT

 

 **Chris:** I cum back from practice to find this, im living a blessed life

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** why do you spell come with a u??

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** HOW DO YOU CHANGE THE NAMES

 

 **Chris:** If I told u, u would change it and this is funny

 

**Chris changed his name to “Sexyandiknowit”**

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** i literally hate all of you so much

 

 **Victor:** except for meeeeeeeee right?

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** especially you

 

**Victor changed his name to “can you feel… my heart break”**

 

**Yuri changed his name to “tired of feeling… never loved”**

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** AWWWWWWWE!!!

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** sickening

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** dont hate

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** Where are JJ and Otabek?

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** QUIET, HE’LL HEAR YOU

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:**???

 

**JJ changed his name to “Le Roi”**

 

 **Le Roi:** IT’S JJ STYLE!

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** damn it yuri

 

 **Le Roi:** getit guys? Because le roi is french for king and my name is leroy?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** thats clever!!!

 

 **Le Roi:** Im a clever guy

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** who even added this guy

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** i didnt want him to feel left out!!

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** are any of you drinking soup really messily in the room next to mine? because I hear slurping.

 

 **Otabek:** It’s probably just Yuri and Victor.

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** BURN!!!

 

 **Otabek:** I’m not joking.

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** cum to think of it, neither of them have messaged here in awhile

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** OTABEK, THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE

 

 **Otabek:** Why?

 

 **Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll:** because you’re the only person here that isn’t a piece of shit so please tell me how to change my name

 

 **Otabek:** I’m not good with technology. Why don’t you just look it up online?

 

**Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll: …**

 

**Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll blocked Otabek.**

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** ouch?!

 

 **Otabek:** Why do you hurt me in this way, Yuri?

 

 **Le Roi:** savage

 

 **Le Roi:** its not Otabek’s fault you werent smart enough to figure that out

 

**Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll blocked Le Roi.**

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** your in denial

 

 **Otabek:** *you’re

 

**Smol-Angry-Cinnamon-Roll changed his name to “Ice-Tiger-of-Russia”**

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia unblocked Otabek.**

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** that’s better

 

 **Otabek:** What about JJ?

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** I’m not unblocking him

 

 **Le Roi:** tell yurio he doesnt even deserve my friendship

 

 **Otabek:** JJ says he’s a genuinely unpleasant person and he doesn’t deserve your friendship.

 

 **Le Roi:** I DID NOT

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** really?

 

 **Otabek:** Yes.

 

**ImCoolAsIce changed Otabek’s name to “Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire”**

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** stop all this flirting for 1 sexond and help me, the slurping noises are still happening

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** oops i meant second

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** We all know what you meant.

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** nobody was flirting, Chris

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** you guys totally were but i stand in full support!! :D

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** can we get back 2 the issue at hand pls?

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** for fuck’s sake

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** I’ll go check it out, you wimp

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** THX YURIO!

 

 **Le Roi:** tell him I wish him the best

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** JJ says he’s wearing a dress

 

 **Le Roi:** STOP IT OTABEK

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** it does rhyme

 

 **Le Roi:** THIS IS SO _NOT_ JJ STYLE

 

***

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** where did everybody go???

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Everyone left after Yuri went to find out what the slurping noise was.

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** YURIO, ARE YOU THERE???

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** ARE YOU ALIVE???

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** i bet it was a monster

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** D-:

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** where do we keep the laundry supplies

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** In the basement. Why?

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** I’m bleaching my eyes out, brb

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** DONT DO IT!!!

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** you walked in on them making out, didnt you

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** he wishes it was only making out ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **Le Roi:** EWWW

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** taking a page out of my book?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** please dont have sex on the sofa, i take my naps there

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** too late

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** guys… why…

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** victooooor!

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** what? I don’t like lying.

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** (*≧∀≦*) sorry yurio!

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** no, really, it’s fine, i love walking in on my old-man coach impregnating his piggy boyfriend

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** That’s not biologically possible.

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** YURIOOOO

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** Victor isnt old

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** If im old, does that mean we grew old together?

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** <3 I hope so <3

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** now im hearing someone throwing up

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** Are you ok yurio???

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** IM DONE WITH THIS FUCKING GROUP CHAT GOODBYE

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia blocked ImCoolAsIce, Sexyandiknowit, tired of feeling… never loved,** and **can you feel… my heart break.**

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** WHY DIDNT YOU BLOCK OTABEK??

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** WHAT DID I EVER DO TO U?

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** see? flirting af

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** You’re just jealous that I’m the chosen one.

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** TELL YURIO THAT I DID NOT RAISE HIM TO BE THIS WAY

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** you do realize hes not actually ur son

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** DONT LISTEN TO HIS LIES

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** ok this turned out to be a trainwreck, sorry guys but this has to end

 

**ImCoolAsIce disabled the group “in skating we axel”**

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first Yuri!! on Ice fanfiction, so I hoped you liked it. This was really silly but I had fun doing it. If I get enough requests, I'll definitely continue it. Leave me kudos or comments, mateys! And check out my [yoi tumblr](https://yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy.tumblr.com/) in the meantime!!


	2. in which a game of hide and seek gets out of hand

**ImCoolAsIce reactivated the group “in skating we axel”**

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** let’s try this again

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** and this time, no being mean or disgusting. you know who im talking to

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Disgusting or mean? That’s everyone except for you, Phichit.

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** thank you!!

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** i prefer the term “blunt”

 

 **Le Roi:** DID YURIO UNBLOCK ME YET?

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** nope

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** yay, the group is back!

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** why did you restart this, phichit?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** bc im bored :)

 

 **Le Roi:** I HAVE AN IDEA

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Is it the first time you had one?

 

 **Le Roi:** you know, when yurio blocked me I thought I was going to be insulted _less_

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I didn’t know you thought at all.

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** what did i say about being mean, otabek?

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Sorry.

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** what was your idea, JJ?

 

 **Le Roi:** what if we play hide and seek? But we have to keep texting each other.

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** YES

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** what a great idea JJ!!!

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia unblocked Le Roi.**

 

 **Le Roi:** VICTORY!

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** DID SOMEBODY SAY VIKTUURI???

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** I only unblocked him because i don’t understand the conversation without seeing his messages

 

 **Le Roi:** i think its because im the best

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** says the guy who lost the Grand Prix Final to a 15 year old

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** OUCH, YURIO

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** SO DID I

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** it’s okay babe, he didn’t mean it

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** i hear puking again

 

 **Le Roi:** so, are we gonna play or what?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** yes!!!

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Great. The best skater has to be it.

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** damn it

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** Um, i think the fuck not. I broke your record, remember?

 

 **Le Roi:** SLOW YOUR ROLL THERE LIL BUDDY, YOU’RE PRACTICALLY A FETUS

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** just because im not a geezer like you and victor?

 

 **Le Roi:** is that the distant cry of a fetus i hear?

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** fetuses don’t cry… they haven’t been born yet, asswipe

 

 **Le Roi:** so we all agree that it’s me who’s the best skater, and not this fetus?

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** That “fetus” kicked your ass in every competition.

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** this is why you’re my favourite, Otabek

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** ༼ಢ_ಢ༽

 

***

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** how did _I_ end up being the seeker?

 

 **Le Roi:** because yurio is a stupid fetus that threw a tantrum about it and then decided he didn’t actually want to be the seeker, that’s why

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** cum find me yuri ;)

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** back off, chris

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** ready or not, here i come!!

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** AHHH IM NOT READY YET

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** PHICHIT STOP SCREAMING, I CAN HEAR WHERE YOU ARE WHEN YOU SCREAM

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** AHHHHHH

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** PHICHIT

 

***

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** who have you found?

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** only phichit, so far

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** you suck

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** yes ;) he does

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY I DONT LIKE YOU??

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** i hear giggling… about to find somebody!!

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** NO

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** i found chris, guys!!

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** and my place was such a good one!

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** he was hiding behind the door

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** im disappointed in you, chris

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** :( :( :(

 

***

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** JJ, I found you

 

 **Le Roi:** HOW?! MY HIDING SPOT WAS GENIUS!

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** i could hear you yelling “it’s JJ style!”

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** justice is served

 

***

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** YOU GUYS ARE SOOO GOOD~

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** we’ve been searching for the past 5 minutes and can’t find anyone

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** good job!!

 

 **Le Roi:** right now, we’re missing two russians and a guy from crabeggstand

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** It’s KAZAKHSTAN.

 

 **Le Roi:** that’s what i said

 

***

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** pssst, Otabek

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** We’re in a groupchat, Yuri, you can’t whisper.

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** let’s team up

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Hide and seek isn’t a team game.

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** i know, but i need help messing with the seekers

 

 **Le Roi:** fuck you guys

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** you wish.

 

 **Le Roi:** Im the only straight guy in this building right now, yurio

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** Im straight!

 

 **Le Roi:** really?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** yeah?? Why is that surprising…?

 

 **Le Roi:** no reason…

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** Meet me where JJ is

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I don’t know where JJ is.

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** think figuratively

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Oh, I understand

 

***

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** the only ones left to find are now yurio and otabek!

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** he found me in the washing machine

 

 **Le Roi:** omg i came this close to turning it on earlier

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:**!!!

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** is _murder by washing machine_ JJ style?

 

 **Le Roi:** why are u mean to me like this

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** seriously, where are you guys??

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** not saying anything

 

***

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** I FOUND THEM

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** FINALLY

 

 **Le Roi:** where were they??

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** you’re not going to like this, JJ

 

 **Le Roi:** huh?

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** they were in the closet

 

 **Le Roi:** but they said they would meet where _I_ was!

 

 **tired of feeling… never loved:** exactly

 

 **Le Roi:**...

 

 **Le Roi:** i dont get it

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Wait for it…

 

**Le Roi: …**

 

 **Le Roi:** OH

 

 **Le Roi:** FUcK YOU

 

 **Le Roi:** WHAT DID I DO TO SESERVE THIS

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** IM laFUGHING

 

 **Le Roi:** i hate you

 

 **Le Roi:** you suck

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** No, _you_ suck.

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** ;)

 

 **Le Roi left the group chat.**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start off by saying you people ROCK. Hours after publishing the first chapter of this, I got a BUNCH of comments. I've never gotten so much positive feedback so quickly! So anyway, that's why I'm posting the next chapter so soon. Keep the support coming.
> 
> And btw, if you have an idea for future chapters, prompts, or just something you want to see happening (example: "i want there to be more chris in the next chapter" or "i want someone to make fun of yurio's tiger obsession"). I REALLY need the inspiration guys. Love you guys!


	3. in which there is bestiality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A game of kiss, marry, or kill gets a little out of hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HO(e) HO(e) HO(e) MERRY CHRISTMAS, UPDATING THIS AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST
> 
> I LOVE READING ALL YOUR COMMENTS SO MUCH. KEEP LEAVING ME REQUESTS! IF YOU SENT ME ONE, IT WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY BE IN THIS AT SOME POINT. HOPE YOU LIKE IT!
> 
> (ALSO TO THOSE WHO ALREADY READ THIS, THERE WAS AN ISSUE WITH IT BEING PUBLISHED 3 TIMES BUT NOW IT'S FIXED!)

**ImCoolAsIce added Leo de la Iglesia.**

**ImCoolAsIce added Guang-Hong Ji.**

**Leo de la Iglesia changed his name to “Sk8ter Boi”**

**Guang-Hong:** hi Leo!

**tired of feeling… never loved:** Welcome to the group chat!

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** you misspelled “hell,” yuri

**can you feel… my heart break:** what are they doing here?

**ImCoolAsIce:** i added them because they’re the masters of text games

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Why are we playing a text game?

**ImCoolAsIce:** because im bored and lonely okay

**ImCoolAsIce:** dont question me

**Sk8ter Boi:** WHO WANTS TO PLAY KISS, MARRY, KILL

**can you feel… my heart break:** MEEEE!

**tired of feeling… never loved:** mEEEEE

**Sexyandiknowit:** i know a more… interesting... name for that game ;)

**Guang-Hong:** i don’t wanna know, chris

**Sexyandiknowit:** :( you’re no fun

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** what are we, second graders??

**Sk8ter Boi:** Oh come on, it’s a fun game!

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** we agree to disagree

**ImCoolAsIce:** dont listen to him, he’s just a hater. who wants to start?

**Sexyandiknowit:** I’m starting

**Sexyandiknowit:** this one is for yurio

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** you’re fucking kidding me right now

**Sexyandiknowit:** Kiss, Marry or Kill: Otabek, Victor, or a tiger.

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia: …**

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** *sweats*

**can you feel… my heart break:** seriously???

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** just kidding, this is easy

**can you feel… my heart break:** duh

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** Marry Otabek, kiss a tiger, kill Victor.

**can you feel… my heart break:** EXCUSE ME

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** Sorry, but I don’t make the rules. Tigers are awesome.

**Sk8ter Boi:** BEASTEALITY

**tired of feeling… never loved:** marry otabek, huh?

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** LET ME LIVE

**Sexyandiknowit:** do i hear wedding bells?

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** You’re just jealous that we all have someone to marry.

**can you feel… my heart break:** DID HE JUST CONFIRM THAT THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED?

**tired of feeling… never loved:** I THINK SO

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** oh my god

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** please stop

**can you feel… my heart break:** I CAN’T WAIT TO WALK OUR LITTLE YURIO DOWN THE AISLE

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** you’re not even my father

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** and why do I have to be the one walking down the aisle? Why can’t Otabek be the bride?

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Because you’ll look prettier in a dress.

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** Im not sure whether to be offended or pleased

**can you feel… my heart break:** hold on, you have to ask for his hand in marriage first!!

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY DAD

**Sexyandiknowit:** but he’s yuri’s dad!

**tired of feeling… never loved: …** what?

**Guang-Hong:** CHRIS, IF YOU SAY WHAT I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO SAY-

**Sexyandiknowit:** he’s yuri’s daddy

**tired of feeling… never loved:** …

**Sk8ter Boi:** I SPAT OUT MY DRINK

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** goodbye i am leaving

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Take me with you.

**Sk8ter Boi:** wow, they’re already on their honeymoon!!

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:**...

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia has left the group chat.**

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Now look what you did.

**Sexyandiknowit:**  missing ur fiance?

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Missing your medal? Oh wait…

**Sexyandiknowit:** he’s bullying me

**ImCoolAsIce:** what just happened???

**ImCoolAsIce:** okay nevermind. next person.

**Guang-Hong:** Yuuri, kiss, marry, or kill: Victor, Chris, and Phichit

**tired of feeling… never loved:**...

**tired of feeling… never loved:** um…

**can you feel… my heart break:** WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU PEOPLE

**Sexyandiknowit:** IF YOU KILL ME, MY GHOST WILL HAUNT YOU

**ImCoolAsIce:** if you kill me, nobody will feed my hamsters and they’ll die :(

**can you feel… my heart break:** :(

**ImCoolAsIce:** :(

**tired of feeling… never loved:** well, marry victor, obviously…

**can you feel… my heart break:** but you didn’t win a gold medal yet!

**tired of feeling… never loved:** fine, marry phichit

**ImCoolAsIce:** YAY!!!

**can you feel… my heart break:** EXCUSE ME

**can you feel… my heart break:** I THINK THE FcUK NOT

**can you feel… my heart break:** BACK OFF, PHICHIT

**ImCoolAsIce:** "FcUK"

 

 **can you feel… my heart break:** listen here ya whee whippersnapper 

**Sk8ter Boi:** This group chat is intense

**Guang-Hong:** what’s your final answer, yuri?

**tired of feeling… never loved:** uh…

**tired of feeling… never loved:** marry phichit, kiss victor, kill chris

**Sexyandiknowit:** now im sad

**Sexyandiknowit:** why don’t you love me

**can you feel… my heart break:** CRY CRY

**can you feel… my heart break:** EVERYONE I LOVE ABANDONS ME IN THIS GAME

**Sexyandiknowit:** at least he didnt kill you

**can you feel… my heart break:** BUT HE MARRIED PHICHIT

**tired of feeling… never loved:** I’m sorry victor, i didn’t mean it :(

**can you feel… my heart break:** you’re forgiven

**can you feel… my heart break:** i hope this isn’t what happens when we get married for real

**Sexyandiknowit:** …

**Sk8ter Boi:** i just heard a glass break in the other room

**tired of feeling… never loved:** WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHEN WE GET MARRIED FOR REAL??

**can you feel… my heart break:** obviously we’re getting married someday

**Sk8ter Boi:** seriously guys i think i heard someone faint

**Sk8ter Boi:** yuri are you okay

**tired of feeling… never loved:** (*≧∀≦*) never better!!!

**Guang-Hong:** awwwe

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia rejoined the group chat.**

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** you assholes get one more chance

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** oh yuck

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** i leave for two minutes and yuri and victor are back at being sickening

**ImCoolAsIce:** you say sickening, I say adorable!

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** yeah, but you think hamsters are better than tigers, so your opinions don’t even count

**Sk8ter Boi:** Damn Yurio, back at it again with the beasteality

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** it’s not beasteality, it’s common sense

**Guang-Hong:** if i may ask, what’s so great about tigers anyway?

**Guang-Hong:** you seem a little obsessed

**can you feel… my heart break:** DON’T GET HIM STARTED

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Get him started.

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I want to hear this.

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** LET ME EDUCATE YOU LOSERS

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** TO BEGIN; DID YOU KNOW A TIGER’S LEGS ARE SO POWERFUL, THEY CAN REMAIN STANDING UP EVEN WHEN THEY DIE???

**can you feel… my heart break:** oh god

**Sk8ter Boi:** What have you done, Guang

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** THEY’RE ALSO THE BIGGEST SPECIES OF CAT, AND THE SMARTEST. THEY HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO IMITATE THE CALLS OF OTHER ANIMALS TO ATTRACT PREY

**ImCoolAsIce:** can we just get on with the game please?

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:**  NO TWO TIGERS HAVE THE SAME STRIPE PATTERN

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** ISN’T THAT AMAZING

**Guang-Hong:** im sorry i asked

**ImCoolAsIce:** CAN WE PLEASE JUST MOVE ON

**ImCoolAsIce:** okay, it’s my turn to ask someone

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:**  THEIR BRAINS WEIGHT APPROXIMATELY 300 GRAMS

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** _S T O P_

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** _L E T   U S   P L AY_

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** okay so

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** Leo… kiss, marry, or kill; Otabek, Guang-Hong, or JJ

**Sk8ter Boi:** That’s easy!

**Sk8ter Boi:** marry Guang-Hong, kiss Otabek, kill JJ

**Guang-Hong:** (*^.^*)

**Sexyandiknowit changed Guang-Hong’s name to “the-future-mr.iglesia”**

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** at least you didn’t call me miss iglesia like last time

**Sk8ter Boi:** last time…?

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** NOTHING

**can you feel… my heart break:** you kiss otabek?

**can you feel… my heart break:** otabek how could you cheat on yurio like this

**can you feel… my heart break:** after i let you into my _family_

**can you feel… my heart break:** into my _home_

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** not again

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Forgive me, my love.

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** NOT YOU, TOO

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Please take me back darling.

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** My heart aches with regret at what I have done.

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I cannot stand to be apart from you my love.

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:**...

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia has left the group chat.**


	4. in which yurio can't believe he's not butter, otabek is worried, and grass is sentient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yurio goes missing and it's up to these incompetent skaters to find him.

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** gyus

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** gsuy

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** guys

 

**Sk8ter Boi:** It’s too early to text

 

**Sk8ter Boi:** go to sleep

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** its oNyL 3 am o’cLock

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** yurio, are you okay?

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** never butter

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** shit i meant better

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Yuri. 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** but what if i’m butter 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** i can’t believe i’m not butter! 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** HAHA get it?

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** what drugs r u on? because i want some 

 

**Sk8ter Boi:** honestly, same

 

**Sk8ter Boi:** whatever he’s smoking is some good shit

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** yurio is too young to do drugs

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** yeah 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** thats why i drink instead

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** … Yurio, are you drunk right now? 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** nO 

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I’m coming to get you. 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** you’ll never find meEE

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** WHY AREN’T YOU IN YOUR ROOM!?

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** im hiding

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** remember how we won at hide and seek

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** that was fun

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** where are you?? 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** if i told you then i wouldnt bee hiding 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** I SPELLED bE as BEE hahaHA

 

**ImCoolAsIce:** my phone kept buzzing and it woke me up

 

**ImCoolAsIce:** haha, yurio’s nicer when he’s drunk 

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** he’s ??? underage ??? phichit ???

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** and ??? he’s ??? missing ???

 

**ImCoolAsIce:** okay but kindness comes first 

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** MY SON IS LOST SOMEWHERE OUT ON THE STREETS

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** hahA im not on the street

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Where are you then? 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** k ill give you 1 hint 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** im in someone’s house

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** but they;re alseep so shHHH 

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** …

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** im going to go wake up Yuri

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** im awake 

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** omg 

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** okay we’re going to go look for yurio outside 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** but im in a house 

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** haha bitch broke into a house at 3 am while he was drunk 

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** even the other yuri isn’t that crazy when he’s drunk 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** its becuzz i’m superior 

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I’ll go check the houses in the area, I can cover ground fast in the neighbourhood. 

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** same

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** yuri, search the streets 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** but im hIding 

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** the other yuri

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** oINK 

 

**Sk8ter Boi:** if you guys don’t find anything within the hour, i’m waking up the others and calling the police 

 

***

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** okay guys but imagine

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** grass

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** but sentient 

 

**ImCoolAsIce:** excuse me 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** like

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** you would go outside n step on the grass and the individual blades would yell “oi motherfucker watch ur fucking step” 

 

**ImCoolAsIce:** thats actually kind of cute

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** n each blade would have a little face on it 

 

**ImCoolAsIce:** awwe, grass faces!

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** but all the faces are steve buscemi 

 

**ImCoolAsIce:** pls never drink again

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** but then i would dehydr8 and dIE 

 

***

 

**Le Roi:** all this buzzing woke me up 

 

**Le Roi:** i’m going to go help look for him

 

**Le Roi:** jj shall be a hero 

 

***

 

**Le Roi:** SOME ASSHOLE JUST TRIED TO RUN ME OVER W/ HIS MOTORCYCLE

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Some asshole just tried to dent my motorcycle when I ran him over.

 

**Le Roi:** i h8 you 

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** The feeling is mutual. 

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** leo 

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** leo, i haven’t found anything, maybe wake up guang-hong

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** chris and leo fell asleep half an hour ago

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** he’s not... what is the term…  _ smart  _

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** but i feel like edward cullen watching him sleep so it all works out for me

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** wake them up pls 

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** but they look vv cute 

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** yurio could be arrested or dead by now

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** im not but my head hurts does thta mean im dying?? 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** if i die

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** nobody touch my stuff 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** not even you otabek

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** but you can have my leopard print jacket 

 

***

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** i really don’t know where he could be!

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Me either. He’s not out here. 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** haha you said “bee”

 

**Sk8ter Boi:** ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS OF AVIATION-

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** BEES SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FLY

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** omg i love bee movie 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** too bad i hate you 

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** now is not the time

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** MY FAVOURITE PART OF BEE MOVIE IS WHEN BARRY TRIES TO BANG SOMEONE MORE THAN 100 TIMES HIS SIZE

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** IKR IT’S SO RELATEABLE

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** what

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** what

 

***

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Guys, I found Yurio!

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** im on a motorcycle

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I’m coming back to the hotel room now. 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** vroom vroom 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** it sounds like a tiger

 

**~ MANY HOURS LATER ~**

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** owwwww

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:**  my head hurts like fuck 

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** YOU SCARED ME SO MUCH LAST NIGHT

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** you really did, yurio

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** he was crying earlier and saying how he failed as a parent

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** sorry

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** No more drinking for you. 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** BUT OTABEK

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I am! But you broke into some poor person’s house last night and made all of us get up at 3 am to search the streets for you because of your low alcohol tolerance. 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** jesus, fine, i get it

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** no more drinking 

 

**can you feel... my heart break:** damn right

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** idk, i thought it was kind of funny

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** same

 

**Sk8ter Boi:** *chants* CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** I’m sorry for putting you through that shit though, Otabek. 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** also this is the last time im apologizing, if anyone tries to get me to do it again i’ll hurt them 

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I’m sorry, too. 

 

**Le Roi:** my entire body hurts

 

**Le Roi:** I’m suing you otabek

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** why??

 

**Le Roi:** remember? that asshole tried to run me over w/ his motorcycle last night

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** … 

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** you don’t have to apologize for anything ever again, otabek

 

**Ice-Tiger-of-Russia** **:** this more than makes up for it 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slams hands down on the table* 
> 
> LISTEN HERE YOU WONDERFUL HUMAN BEINGS. I L-O-V-E GETTING ALL YOUR COMMENTS. ALSO, THANKS TO ALL OF YOU THAT POINTED OUT MY MISTAKES IN THE LAST CHAPTER (especially my unofficial editor, you know who you are) BECAUSE IM A MESS AND I WROTE IT AT 3 AM SO I NOTICED NOTHING. KEEP THE REQUESTS/COMMENTS COMING! (especially stuff like ideas for future chapters) Hope you like this one! Two updates in one day, partly because it's Christmas, partly because I love writing this.


	5. in which phichit asks his dumbass friends for relationship advice (what the hell phichit)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phichit and Seung-Gil... need I say more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As sad as it is, we're going to have to say goodbye to drunk Yurio for now... but say hELLO to Seung-gil! I ship him and Phichit shamelessly, so if you see flirting, it's because this is my story and it's wish fulfillment.

**ImCoolAsIce:** send help @everyone in a relationship

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** specifically how do you get someone to notice you

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** pole dance

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** trust me, it works

 

 **can you feel... my heart break:** show up at their home naked and offer to coach them

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** I can verify that his strategy also works

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** yeah that’s not happening

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** anyone else??

 

 **Le Roi:** by being the best

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** literally anyone else

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** Nobody else in this chat is in a relationship, my dude

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** you and guang??

 

 **the-future-mr.iglesia:** we’re not dating

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** WHAT

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** we’ve literally never been dating

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** BUT,,,

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** BUT

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** MIND BLOWN

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** i’m not in a relationship atm

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** omg

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** okay but if someone tries to tell me otabek and yurio aren’t dating, i’m going to lose my shit

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** We aren’t.

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** LITERALLY HOW

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** everything i once held dear is dead

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Only Viktuuri can help you, sorry.

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** YOU HAVE BEEN BLOCKED

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** why are you even asking?

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** omg phichit DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE??

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** who is it? do i know them?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** you guys know them

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** WHY DIDNT YOU tELL ME

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** WHO IS IT???!?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** okay but first

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** remember the time i told jj that i was straight

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** PHICHIT

 

 **can you feel... my heart break:** OMG MY SON PHICHIT HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN CONVERTED

 

 **Le Roi:** im the last hetero standing

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** a new reality show

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** queers vs JJ

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** PLEASE YES

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** BUT WHO IS IT??

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** i’m going to add them here

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** im deleting the last few messages

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** not a word from anybody

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** maybe i should remove otabek and yurio just in case

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** I took screenshots, moron

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** Remove me and I post them on instagram and tag you

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** YURIO NO  

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** yurio yes

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** okay im adding them, please freak out on a separate chat

 

**ImCoolAsIce added Seung-gil Lee to “in skating we axel”**

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** wiedhweifluhUHQWJKDH

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** DEUDKHED

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** ewiudhWHATwqkt

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** YURI

 

**Sk8ter Boi changed the group chat name to “we’re here and we’re queer”**

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** wow

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** subtle

 

 **Seung-gil:** … Why am I even here

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** because it’s fun!!!

 

 **Seung-gil:** I beg to fucking differ

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I like him, he can stay.

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** Same. but it grows on you

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** for example, sometimes you get to hear about stuff like JJ being run over by a motorcycle

 

**Le Roi blocked Ice-Tiger-of-Russia.**

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** COME AT ME, OH KING-OF-THE-CLOSET

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** yurio

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** we :) are :) trying :) to :) convince :) seung-gil :) that :) this :) chat :) is :) fun :)

 

 **Seung-gil:** I’ve been convinced

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** do yourself a favor and scroll through the previous messages

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** they’re pretty lit

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** say lit one more time

 

 **Ice-Tiger-of-Russia:** i fucking dare you

 

**ImCoolAsIce changed Ice-Tiger-of-Russia’s name to “LIT AS A CANDLE”**

 

 **LIT AS A CANDLE:** SHIT

 

 **LIT AS A CANDLE:** I FORGOT HOW TO CHANGE THE NAMES AGAIN

 

 **Seung-gil:** i scrolled through the chat

 

 **Seung-gil:** “smol-angry-cinnamon-roll”

 

 **LIT AS A CANDLE:** nevermind, i hate him too now

 

 **Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll:** phichit... change it back

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** no

 

 **Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll:** phiSHIT, CHANGE IT BACK

 

**ImCoolAsIce changed Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll’s name to “Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll”**

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** This is getting cruel.

 

**Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll has left the group chat.**

 

**Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll has rejoined the group chat.**

 

 **Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll:** check instagram in a few minutes, i’m about to post something, _Phishit_

 

**Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll has left the group chat.**

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** huh???

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** _P H I C H I T    T H E    T H I N G_

 

 **Seung-gil:** I’m convinced you’re all high

 

 **Seung-gil:** That’s the only way to deal with this group chat

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** what thing??

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** _P H I C H I T_

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** just say it??

 

 **can you feel... my heart break:** _Y U U R I   S A Y S   I M    N O T    A L L O W E D_

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** what the

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** OH GOSH

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** DOES HE MEAN _THE_ THING???

 

 **tired of feeling... never loved:** _Y E S   P H I C H I T_

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:**  YOU DONT THINK HE WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** OTABEK ANSWER ME

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** He 100% would.

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** OH SNAP I HAVE TO GO STOP HIM

 

 **the-future-mr.iglesia:** i can’t believe it’s 2016 and phichit just used both “gosh” and “snap” unironically in the space of 7 messages

 

 **the-future-mr.iglesia:** you tripping, Phichit?

 

 **Seung-gil:** Do you think the small russian guy would tell me what you’re talking about if I texted him?

 

 **ImCoolAsIce:** NO HE WOULD NOT

 

**Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll rejoined the group chat.**

 

 **Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll:** yes i would

 

 **Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll:** because, as i like to say, honesty is always the best policy

 

 **Sexyandiknowit:** im just watching this and LAUFUGHING

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** honestly, same

 

**ImCoolAsIce changed Smol-and-Lit-Cinnamon-Roll’s name to “Tiger-Lover”**

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** acceptable

 

**ImCoolAsIce changed his name to “but_hamsters_are_better”**

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** aaaand we’re back to the beastiality

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** you guys need more human friends

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** Seung-gil, message me for the screenshots

 

**ImCoolAsIce changed his name to “im_sorry_lord-yurio”**

 

 **the-future-mr.iglesia:** kiNKY

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** I would rather chop off my own dick with a rusty butter knife

 

 **Seung-gil:** You have a dick? Surprising.

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Plus, I thought you couldn’t believe you weren’t butter

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** ET TU, OTABEK??

 

**Tiger-Lover has blocked Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire.**

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Don’t be this way, Yurio.

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** Yurioooooo.

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** I didn’t mean it.

 

 **im_sorry_lord-yurio:** you guys tried to tell me they aren’t dating

 

 **im_sorry_lord-yurio:** but i cannot be fooled

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** Is this the part where we chant ‘i do believe in Yurio’s dick, i do, i do!’

 

 **im_sorry_lord-yurio:** OMG LEO, I LOVE TINKER BELL!!!!

 

 **Seung-gil:** Me too

 

 **im_sorry_lord-yurio:** (⊙ꇴ⊙)

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** you all think you’re so witty, but i have dirt on almost everyone in this group chat

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** bullshit

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** I have a video of you at the last junior banquet trying to sing “Toxic” by Britney Spears at the karaoke stand

 

 **Sk8ter Boi:** wHAT

 

 **the-future-mr.iglesia:** yurio, my buddy old pal

 

 **the-future-mr.iglesia:** please send me that

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** what do you have to trade?

 

 **the-future-mr.iglesia:** umm… I have pictures from the time me and phichit went to the pet shop and phichit accidentally let all the animals loose and he ended up getting arrested

 

 **Tiger-Lover:** DEAL

 

 **Seung-gil:** Did… did that really happen?

 

 **im_sorry_lord-yurio:** someone kill me

 

 **Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire:** How does one ‘accidentally’ let loose dozens of animals??

 

**im_sorry_lord-yurio changed the group chat name to “LITERALLY FULL OF ASSHOLES”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS AND REQUESTS, YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE! Also, I might not be updating again for a couple days, because I have a friend sleeping over for at least a week.


	6. in which yuuri and phichit cause chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone switched all their phones... chaos ensues.

  
(This can get a little confusing, so here is a list of who has who's phone.)

**Phichit = Yurio’s**

**Yurio = Yuuri’s**

**Viktor = Christophe’s**

**Seung-gil = Viktor’s**

**Guang-Hong = Phichit**

**Yuuri = Otabek’s**

**Otabek = JJ’s**

**Leo = Guang-Hong’s**

**Christophe = Leo’s**

**JJ = Seung-gil’s**

 

**Tiger-Lover:** HELLO MY NAME IS YURIO AND I’M IN LOVE WITH OTABEK

 

**Liar_Liar_Pants_On_Fire changed his name to “Yurio’s_Otabae”**

 

**Tiger-Lover:** LET’S GET MARRIED

 

**Yurio’s_Otabae:** LET’S DO IT

 

**im_sorry_lord_yurio:** what the fuck 

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** did phichit just swear!?

 

**im_sorry_lord_yurio:** DID YURIO AND OTABEK JUST ADMIT THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER RIGHT IN FRONT OF US?? 

 

**im_sorry_lord_yurio:** what, why is my phone saying i’m phichit

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** holy shit me too

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** guys it’s viktor not chris

 

**Yurio’s_Otabae:** I’M DEFINITELY OTABEK 

 

**Tiger-Lover:** 100% YURIO RIGHT HERE

 

**can you feel… my heart break:** wtf 

 

**can you feel… my heart break:** I have been on this chat for one day

 

**can you feel… my heart break:** I did not sign up for this

 

**Sexyandiknowit:** WHY DOES SEUNG-GIL HAVE MY PHONE

 

**im_sorry_lord_yurio:** MAYBE WE SWITCHED BODIES

 

**im_sorry_lord_yurio:** IMMA GO CHECK BRB

 

**im_sorry_lord_yurio:** NO, I’M STILL GUANG-HONG

 

**Tiger-Lover:** Yuuri, they’re onto us

 

 **Le Roi:** I'm not dealing with this today. Goodbye.

 

**Le Roi has left the group chat.**

 

**Tiger-Lover added Le Roi to the group chat.**

 

**Tiger-Lover:** NO ONE ESCAPES

 

**Le Roi:** Who are you?!

 

**Tiger-Lover** what makes u think im not yurio??

 

**Le Roi:** Just a hunch.

 

**Yurio’s_Otabae:** so that’s the real otabek

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** IM GOING TO PUNCH YOUR FACE IN, PIG

 

**Tiger-Lover:** found the real yurio!!

 

**tired of feeling… never loved:** WHAT’S HAPPENING

 

**Tiger-Lover:** :D :D :D 

 

**Yurio’s_Otabae:** we switched all your phones last night

 

**Tiger-Lover:** this is phichit and yuuri btw

 

**Sexyandiknowit changed his name to “Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone”**

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** everyone change your name like mine, this is confusing 

 

**tired of feeling… never loved changed his name to “the tiger not the piggy”**

 

**Le Roi changed his name to “Otabek, not JJ”**

 

**can you feel… my heart break changed his name to “Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone”**

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** Time to check Viktor’s history. 

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** PLS NO 

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** SEUNG-GIL PLS

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** All in favour for me looking through Viktor’s phone? 

 

**Tiger-Lover changed his name to “PhichitAsYurio”**

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** ME

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** ME ME ME ME mE

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** I’ll report back with what I find.

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** PHICHIT WHY

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** I THOT WE WERE FRIENDS

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** YUURI HOW COULD YOU CHANGE MY PHONE WITH  _ HIS _ ??

 

**Yurio’s-Otabae changed his name to “katsudon-otabek”**

 

**katsudon-otabek:** im sorry bb 

 

**katsudon-otabek:** :( phichit made me do it :( 

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** r00d

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** i thought we were friends and then you throw me under the bus like this

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** oooh, i’m on guang’s phone

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** lowkey scrolling through his texts

 

**im_sorry_lord _yurio changed his name to “guang-hacked-phichit”**

 

**guang-hacked-phicit:** WHO IS THAT ON MY PHONE

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** haha bitch, you wish you knew

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** pLEASE OMG YOU ASSHOLE

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** are we sure that otabek has JJ’s phone??

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** wow rude

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** you have been blocked and written out of the will

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** LEO IS THAT YOU

 

**the-future-mr.iglesia:** pffft nO

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** IM NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN

 

**The-future-mr.iglesia changed his name to “both-iglesia’s”**

 

**both-iglesia’s:** ;) 

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** <3 <3 I SHIP IT 

 

**both-iglesia’s:** wait, why is guang in a secret group with phichit and viktor 

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** SHIT

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** LEO DONT OPEN IT

 

**both-iglesia’s:** all in favour of me opening it, say aye 

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** aye

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** NO NO NO LEO DONT DO IT

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** YURIO, WHY???

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** you did this to yourself

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** Viktor, your phone is really boring. The only noteworthy thing is a list of cute things Yuuri has done. 

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** “sleeping” doesn’t count as a cute thing 

 

**PhicitAsYurio:** AWWWE, VIKTOR

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** that’s adorable!!!

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** kms brb

 

**katsudon-otabek:** awe <3

**katsudon-otabek:** i used to have about 10000 posters of you

 

**katsudon-otabek:** let’s call it even

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** love you 

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** get a fucking room 

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** I’m about to check the piggy’s phone, wish me luck

 

**katsudon-otabek:** oh no 

 

**katsudon-otabek:** why did you give him  _ my  _ phone, phichit??

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** sorry 

 

**both-iglesia’s:** ...

 

**both-iglesia’s:** so i opened the group

 

**guang-hacked-phichit left the group.**

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** I’m so sorry guang

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** I forgot 

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** What was the group about?

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** it was a group where we all gave each other advice

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** mostly about guang-hong’s crush on leo 

 

**PhichitAsYurio added guang-hacked-phichit.**

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** GUANG-HONG IM SORRY

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** brb throwing myself off a cliff

 

**both-iglesia’s:** don’t be sorry!

 

**both-iglesia’s:** private message me, guang

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** omg

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** OMG

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** LOOK AT MY BABY BOY

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** GETTING THAT DICK 

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** please stop 

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** I WANT TO BE THE BEST MAN AT YOUR WEDDING 

 

**guang-hacked-phichit blocked PhichitAsYurio**

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** im not even mad!!! <3 <3 <3 someone tell him to fill me in later

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** GOOD LUCK BRO

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** also quick question

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** what’s “grindr”??

 

**Sk8ter Boi changed his name to “leo but sexier”**

 

**leo but sexier:** open it ;) 

 

**katsudon-otabek:** pLEASE

 

**katsudon-otabek:** D O N T 

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** How do  _ you _ know what it is, Yuuri? 

 

**katsudon-otabek:** …

 

**katsudon-otabek:** i didnt join this chat to be attacked like this

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** then you’re not going to like what i found on your phone

 

**katsudon-otabek:** WHAT

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** I FOUND SEXTS, GUYS

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** “fill me with your sperm, viktor” - Yuuri’s texts 2k16

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** YUURI IS THIS TRUE??

**katsudon-otabek left the group chat.**

 

**the tiger not the piggy added katsudon-otabek**

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** suffer

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** YOU ??? DIDNT ??? DELETE ??? THOSE???

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** He probably likes to re-read them

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** Yurio, listen to me carefully

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** Check his bookmarks for something called “fanfiction.net”

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** WILL DO BRB

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** christophe’s phone is literally all just porn 

 

**leo but sexier:** youre welcum 

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** oH MY gDO

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** MY eYES

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** What did you find??

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** “ _ Victor didn't waste any time, bringing Yuri into his bedroom. Yuri felt his body move against Victor's, he felt Victor slip his leg in-between Yuri's legs. A gasp was released from Yuri, he felt Victor slowly move his thigh against Yuri's crotch. Yuri brought their lips together as the movements continued, he felt his back hit against a wall. Victor took the time to gain more confidence, hearing Yuri whimper at the pleasurable advances _ .”

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** OH MY GODDDD 

 

**leo but sexier:** please tell me there’s more

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** there is

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** this isn’t even the worst story

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** The writing isn’t half bad.

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** I’m impressed.

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** i’m still pUKING

 

**Katsudon-otabek left the group chat.**

 

**leo but sexier:** cum back yuuri ;) read us more fanfiction

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** YURIO PLEASE LINK ME HIS ACCOUNT

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** no

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** you see smut, i see future blackmail

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** Why is the small lady so angsty? 

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** SAY THAT TO MY FUCKING FACE

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** hon, yurio’s a boy

 

**the tiger not the piggy:** bitch i am a MAN

 

**PhichitAsYurio:** you weigh about 90 pounds soaking wet and are 16 years old

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** Oops, my mistake

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone:** To be honest, I always thought of you as the crazy cat lady of the group.

 

**Otabek, not JJ removed Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone from the group.**

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** [ http://rlv.zcache.com/i_got_your_back_classic_round_sticker-r36e2f89e2162433fa668fdc241e65a4e_v9waf_8byvr_324.jpg ](http://rlv.zcache.com/i_got_your_back_classic_round_sticker-r36e2f89e2162433fa668fdc241e65a4e_v9waf_8byvr_324.jpg)  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO THERE ARE A FEW OF YOU THAT LEAVE REALLY LONG, LOVELY COMMENTS ON EVERY CHAPTER, OR SUGGESTIONS, AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU PEOPLE (you know who you are) A SHOUTOUT. YOU RULE. I LOVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS AND COMMENTS SO MUCH.
> 
> Also, Yuuri's fanfiction is a real thing I found on ao3, because I'm too uncomfortable to write real smut. Here's the link to it: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8596219 and the credit for it obviously goes to the author, https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppysicle/pseuds/poppysicle!
> 
> PS: I know I said that I wouldn't be updating because my friend is sleeping over for a few days, but I wrote it anyway. With her in the room. So if this sucks, I can always blame it on the fact that I couldn't focus 100%.


	7. in which a ship battle takes place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These idiots start a ship battle.

 

**PhichitAsYurio added Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone to the group**

 

**PhichitAsYurio changed his name to “TheSelfieStar”**

 

**Le Roi:** you would be wrong about that, phichit

 

**the tiger not the piggy changed his name to “TheSelfieSun”**

 

**TheSelfieSun:** because the sun is bigger than the stars

 

**TheSelfieStar:** the sun  _ is  _ a star, you uneducated swine 

 

 **TheSelfieSun:** huh?!

 

**Le Roi:** did you not take elementary school science

 

**TheSelfieSun:** did your mother not teach you how to wash your greasy hair?

 

**Le Roi:** that was uncalled for

 

**TheSelfieSun:** just like your face. Stfu JJ

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone changed TheSelfieSun’s name to “TheSelfieSON”**

 

**TheSelfieSON:** I’m not your son

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** yuuri, our son is bullying me

 

**katsudon-otabek:** pls be nice, yurio!

 

**TheSelfieSON:** I hope you choke on Viktor’s dick

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** RESPECT YOUR MOTHER YOUNG MAN

 

**TheSelfieSON:** I’m. Not. Your. SON.

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** you’re tearing this family apart 

 

**Seung-gil-on-viktor’s-phone changed his name to “Seung-gil”**

 

**Seung-gil:** I never thought the son of Viktor Nikiforov would be so ugly 

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** omg thank you!!!

 

**Seung-gil:** you’re welcome

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone:** wait 

 

**Katsudon-otabek changed his name to “mamabear”**

 

**mamabear:** do you have an issue with my little boy??

 

**TheSelfieSON:** COME AT ME BRO 

 

**Seung-gil:** It’s my mission to drive you out of this group chat

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** How about instead of driving Yuri out of the group chat, you take the one hour drive it takes to get from one of your eyes to the other? 

 

**Le Roi:** WOAH WHAT 

 

**Le Roi:** OTABEK... cHILL

 

**Viktor-on-Christophe’s-phone changed his name to “Skating_Jesus”**

 

**Skating_Jesus:** THAT’S MY FUTURE SON-IN-LAW!

 

**TheSelfieStar:** okay but that was really mean??? Be nice to seung-gil??

 

**TheSelfieSON:** why don’t you tell seung-gil to stop being an asswipe if he wants us to be nice to him? 

 

**mamabear:** omg look at these two couples, defending each other 

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** Nobody here except you and Viktor is a couple.

 

**both-iglesia’s:** YOU WOULD BE WRONG MY DUDE

 

**TheSelfieStar:** OMGGGG

 

**TheSelfieStar:** YOU AND GUANG?!

 

**both-iglesia’s:** damn straight!

 

**Otabek, not JJ:** *damn gay

 

**both-iglesia’s:** says the guy who’s literally up for the cutest unofficial couple award

 

**Skating_Jesus:** notice how he kindly said unofficial _?  _

 

**Skating_Jesus:** it’s because me and yuuri would kick all your asses

 

**leo but sexier changed his name to “chrismatic”**

 

**chrismatic:** my only question to leo is who else is up for cutest unofficial couple??

 

**chrismatic:** otayuri beats everyone 

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** dude

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** phichit and seung-gil

 

**Skating_Jesus:** I THINK THE FUCK NOT

 

**Skating_Jesus:** my son and my son-in-law smoke all those bitches

 

**Skating_Jesus:** stand with me here, guys

 

**mamabear changed his name to “team phichit-gil”**

 

**Skating_Jesus:** EXCUSE ME??

 

**team phichit-gil:** don’t be mad

 

**team phichit-gil:** but phichit’s been my friend for a really long time

 

**TheSelfieSON:** firstly

 

**TheSelfieSON:** me and otabek are NOT a couple and i’ll beat in anyone’s face who says we are

 

**TheSelfieSON:** secondly

 

**TheSelfieSON:** if we  _ were  _ a couple

 

**TheSelfieSON:** we would obviously kick phichit and seung-gil’s asses

 

**Seung-gil:** I think not

 

**Seung-gil:** I refuse to lose to a fetus

 

**Le Roi:** IM TEAM PHICHIT-GIL

 

**Otabek, not JJ changed his name to “The Clear Winner”**

 

**The Clear Winner:** I second what Yuri said.

 

**TheSelfieSON:** pfFFFT, JJ’s just salty because otabek keeps roasting his ass

 

**The Clear Winner:** I didn’t even know JJ had an ass.

 

**Le Roi:** THIS IS WHY IM TEAM PHICHIT-GIL

 

**Le Roi:** THEY’RE A NICE COUPLE

 

**TheSelfieStar:** we dont spend all our time insulting people!!

 

**Skating_Jesus:** YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY

 

**Skating_Jesus:** THE COUPLE THAT SLAYS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER

 

**christmatic:** i thought they said “wrap your pecker before you deck her” 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** THAT TOO

 

**Seung-gil:** We need to settle this once and for all

 

**TheSelfieSON:** YES WE DO

 

**TheSelfieStar:** everyone say who they think is cuter and then we tally it up

 

**TheSelfieStar:** obvs im team phichit-gil

 

**Seung-gil:** Me too

 

**Team phichit-gil:** me three

 

**christmatic:** otayuri

 

**Skating_Jesus:** TEAM OTAYURI

 

**TheSelfieSON:** TEAM OTAYURI

 

**both-iglesia’s:** TEAM OTAYURI!!!

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** um yeah you all are tasteless peasants, phichit-gil all the way

 

**The Clear Winner:** You’re dating Leo, who said he's team otayuri.

 

**The Clear Winner:** So I admit that maybe he’s a little tasteless.

 

**both-iglesia’s:** I SHOULD BE MAD BUT THAT WAS SO #SAVAGE

 

**both-iglesia’s:** I CANT BELIEVE I GOT TO WITNESS THAT WITH MY OWN EYES

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** i think we need to take a break leo

 

**both-iglesia’s:** noooooo!!

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** WHY DONT YOU DEFEND MY hoNOUR??

 

**both-iglesia’s:** but bb

 

**both-iglesia’s:** you did play yourself

 

**christmatic:** i think leo just cockblocked himself for the next year

 

**both-iglesia’s:** fUUUUUUUUU-

 

**TheSelfieSON:** so that’s 5 team otayuri and 4 team phichit-gil

 

**Le Roi:** wow, bad at science AND at math 

 

**Le Roi:** wait, are you old enough for kindergarten yet?? Is that why??

 

**TheSelfieSON:** fuck off

 

**Skating_Jesus:** Yurio didn’t go to elementary school, jackass

 

**Skating_Jesus:** he was training to be a figure skater!

 

**TheSelfieSON:** pfft, homeschooling is great

 

**Le Roi:** is that why you’re so socially inadequate?

 

**TheSelfieSON:** says the guy with his own name tattooed on his back 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** counting JJ, it’s a tie

 

**Skating_Jesus:** FUCK 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** NOT ACCEPTABLE 

 

**Skating_Jesus added “Minamegatron” to the group.**

 

**Minamegatron:** omfg i’m so honoured!!!

 

**Team phichit-gil:** hello minami!

 

 **both-iglesia’s:** CHOOSE THE CUTEST COUPLE 

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** choose wisely, little guy

 

**both-iglesia’s:** which means choose otayuri

 

 **Team phichit-gil:**  you would be wrong about that

 

**Minamegatron:** OMG YUURI KATSUKI

 

**Minamegatron:** HAVE MY BABIES 

 

**Team phichit-gil:** I’m a boy, sorry

 

**Skating_Jesus:** um excuse me

 

**Skating_Jesus:** he’s having MY babies

 

**Team phichit-gil:** i thought you would disown me for shipping phichit-gil over otayuri? 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** nah

 

**Skating_Jesus:** we’re still the #1 cutest couple in this chat

 

**TheSelfieStar:** *this world

 

**both-iglesia’s:** WTF SQUAD UP GUANG

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** pffft you roast me and then expect me to squad up? 

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** nah boy

 

**both-iglesia’s:** shit shit shit 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** ANYWAYS

 

**TheSelfieSON:** minami, break this tie by choosing a ship

 

**Minamegatron:** im sorry yuuri but… i like the angry-cat-boy and mr.otherbear

 

**The Clear Winner:** It’s OTABEK.

 

**Minamegatron:** that’s what i said

 

**Skating_Jesus:** JUSTICE!!!

 

**Skating_Jesus:** MY SON WINS!!!

 

**Skating_Jesus:** yES!!!

 

**TheSelfieSON:** chill, viktor

 

 **The Clear Winner:**...

 

**The Clear Winner:** Does he realize we’re not actually a couple yet?

 

**TheSelfieSON:** I dont know anymore at this point

 

**Skating_Jesus:** … 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** IS ANYBODY ELSE SEEING THIS???!

 

**TheSelfieStar:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

 

**both-iglesia’s:** what are you all screaming about?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** “Does he realize we’re not actually a couple yet?” - otabek five secs ago

 

**Skating_Jesus:** YET 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** _ YET _

 

**Team phichit-gil:** YET????

 

**TheSelfieSON:** for fuck's sake

 

**both-iglesia’s:** …

 

**both-iglesia’s:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR THE OVERWHELMING AMOUNT OF SUPPORT AND IDEAS COMING FROM YOU GUYS LAST CHAPTER. I LOVE ALL YOUR COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS.
> 
> JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, I MIGHT NOT BE UPDATING AS MUCH FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BECAUSE I GOT MY CHROMEBOOK STOLEN OUT OF A CAR THE OTHER DAY AND IT WILL BE A COUPLE WEEKS UNTIL I CAN GET A NEW ONE (ikr, it's wild! I even had to change my ao3 passwords because the thieves tried to get into my gmail?? they titled it "black mail #27". I'm not even joking.) 
> 
> ANYWAY, THANK YOU, LOVE YOU ALL, AND HOPEFULLY I'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHAPTER UP IN LESS THAN A COUPLE DAYS!


	8. in which they play truth or dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth or dare. Need I say more? (Angst if you squint.)

**TheSelfieSON** : Viktor and Yuuri are being disgusting again

  
**TheSelfieSON** : send help

  
**both-iglesia's** : by donating just one dollar, you can help save a yurio in need today.

  
**TheSelfieSON** : im serious

  
**TheSelfieSON** : they’re sUCKING EACH OTHER’S FACES OFF

  
**both-iglesia's** : i dare you to make really uncomfortable sounds next to then until they stop

  
**TheSelfieSON** : … What kinds of sounds?

  
**both-iglesia's** : idfk

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : okay listen up

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : you’re gonna have to lean in real close

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : put your mouth next to their ears

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : and loudly moan “mmMMMMMMM”

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : trust me it makes people really uncomfortable

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : bonus points if you sound like a cow giving birth

  
**TheSelfieSON** : challenge accepted

  
**TheSelfieStar** : WAIT ARE WE PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE??

  
**Seung-gil** : I havent played that since primary school

  
**TheSelfieStar** : me either

  
**TheSelfieStar** : IT WILL BE FUN!!

  
**chrismatic** : watch ur backs

  
**chrismatic** : im cumming for u

  
**both-iglesia's** : please stop spelling it that way

  
**Team phichit-gil** : WHICH OF YOU ASSHOLES ENCOURAGED YURIO TO MOAN RIGHT IN OUR EARS WHILE WE WERE KISSING

  
**chrismatic** : *making out

  
**both-iglesia's** : NO PDA

  
**both-iglesia's** : NOT IN MY GOOD CHRISTIAN SUBURB

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** :do you even live in a suburb??

  
**both-iglesia's** : nobody asked you, guang-hong

  
**TheSelfieSON** : so are we playing truth or dare or not?

  
**The Clear Winner** : I’ve never played before.

  
**TheSelfieStar** : OMG

  
**TheSelfieStar** : THAT MEANS YOU GET TO START

  
**The Clear Winner** : How exactly do you play?

  
**Minamegatron** : oml can i play??!!

  
**TheSelfieStar** : anyone in this chat is officially invited

  
**Le Roi** : Im in this chat :)

  
**both-iglesia's** : @otabek, you play by asking the person of your choice if they want truth or dare. then, once they choose dare bc there better not be any weaklings in this chat, you dare them to do something and they have to do it.

  
**The Clear Winner** : And if they choose truth?

  
**TheSelfieSON** : we shun the nonbeliever

  
**TheSelfieStar** : no we dont!!

  
**TheSelfieStar** : you get to ask them a question and they have to answer honestly

  
**The Clear Winner** : Got it.

  
**The Clear Winner** : JJ, truth or dare?

  
**Le Roi** : there's no good answer with this guy

  
**Le Roi** : um

  
**Le Roi** : dare

  
**The Clear Winner** : I dare you to go and get a tattoo of your favourite meal, right now.

  
**Le Roi** : but i already have an ass tattoo

  
**The Clear Winner** : … What?

  
**Le Roi** : what?

  
**TheSelfieSON** : WHAT

  
**TheSelfieSON** : OKAY NEW DARE

  
**Le Roi** : THAT IS NOT ALLOWED

  
**TheSelfieSON** : fuck you yes it is

  
**TheSelfieSON** : i dare you not to look in the mirror for the rest of the day

  
**Le Roi** : …

  
**Le Roi** : is that even possible???

  
**The Clear Winner** : I like that one. I’m keeping it.

  
**Le Roi** : pffft i dont even care

  
**Le Roi** : i lied im sweating

  
**Le Roi** : Viktor truth or dare? :-)

  
**Skating_Jesus** : truth

  
**both-iglesia's** : …

  
**TheSelfieSON** : …

  
**Team phichit-gil** : …

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : …

  
**Team phichit-gil** : wow

  
**Team phichit-gil** : i didn't know i was engaged to a weak bitch

  
**Skating_Jesus** : Yuuri

  
**Team phichit-gil** : you’re dead to me

  
**Team phichit-gil** : RIP the man i once knew, viktor nikiforov

  
**Skating_Jesus** : THIS DOESNT HAVE TO BE A BIG DEAL

  
**both-iglesia's** : im so sorry for your loss, yuuri

  
**Team phichit-gil** : thank you leo

  
**Team phichit-gil** : it’s so hard

  
**Team phichit-gil** : i remember him everyday

  
**Skating_Jesus** : Y U U R I

  
**Team phichit-gil** : sometimes i can still hear his voice

  
**Skating_Jesus** : gAAAAH

  
**Skating_Jesus** : JJ, just ask me a question

  
**Le Roi** : fine

  
**Le Roi** : how does it feel to be a weak bitch

  
**Skating_Jesus has left the chat.**

  
**TheSelfieSON** : this is turning out to be more interesting than i anticipated

  
**chrismatic** : i’ll go next, since viktor left

  
**both-iglesia's** : shit’s about to go down

  
**chrismatic** : damn right

  
**chrismatic** : Yuuri

  
**Team phichit-gil** : oh no

  
**Team phichit-gil** : i choose dare

  
**chrismatic** : i dare you to answer this question: what’s the kinkiest thing you and viktor have ever done?

  
**The Clear Winner** : I feel like that’s cheating.

  
**TheSelfieSON** : EW

  
**TheSelfieSON** : I DONT WANT TO kNOW

  
**chrismatic** : let him answer the question

  
**Team phichit-gil** : I FUCKIGN CHOKED

  
**chrismatic** : is that something you're into ;)

  
**Team phichit-gil** : OMG NO

  
**Team phichit-gil:** CHRIS WHY

  
**chrismatic** : answer :) me :)

  
**TheSelfieStar** : i once heard slapping noises coming from inside their room

  
**TheSelfieStar** : do what you will with that

  
**Team phichit-gil** : phICHIT

  
**TheSelfieStar** : im an honest d00d

  
**guang-hacked-phichit** : YUURI

  
**both-iglesia's** : Yuuri is a masochist

  
**both-iglesia's** : #exposed

  
**Team phichit-gil** : pfft, its not me who’s the masochist

  
**chrismatic** : …

  
**TheSelfieStar** : OH MY gOD

  
**TheSelfieStar** : VIKTOR

  
**TheSelfieSON** : this is more than i ever wanted to know about their sex lives

  
**chrismatic** : dont lie to us yurio

  
**chrismatic** : we all know how curious you are about it

  
**TheSelfieSON** : you’re so creepy

  
**Team phichit-gil** : PHICHIT, MY TIME FOR REVENGE HAS COME

  
**chrismatic** : *cum

  
**Team phichit-gil** : truth… Or dare? >:-)

  
**TheSelfieStar** : fudge

  
**TheSelfieStar** : dare, obvs

  
**Team phichit-gil** : i

  
**Team phichit-gil** : dare

  
**Team phichit-gil** : you

  
**Team phichit-gil** : …

  
**Team phichit-gil** : to give us your last five most recent tabs

  
**TheSelfieStar** : easy peasy

  
**TheSelfieStar** : [screenshot.jpg]

  
**TheSelfieStar** : in case you cant see, it’s my instagram, a drarry fanfiction, elfyourself.com, hamsters sold on kijiji, and seung-gil’s facebook page

  
**Team phichit-gil** : what was that last one?

  
**TheSelfieStar** : hamsters being sold on kijiji

  
**TheSelfieStar** : im thinking of getting another one

  
**Team phichit-gil** : not that one

  
**TheSelfieStar** : then i have no idea what you’re talking about

  
**Team phichit-gil** : seung-gil’s facebook page, huh? ;)

  
**Seung-gil** : Why were you on my page?

  
**Seung-gil** : we weren’t messaging

  
**TheSelfieStar** : ik ik

  
**TheSelfieStar** : sorry i just like to check it

  
**TheSelfieStar** : you always post such interesting stuff!!

  
**chrismatic** : all that “interesting stuff” and yet you’re still hoping for nudes

  
**TheSelfieStar removed chrismatic from the group.**

  
**both-iglesia's** : that’s 2 out of 10 gone in one day

  
**both-iglesia's** : they’re dropping like flies

  
**TheSelfieStar** : MY TURN

  
**TheSelfieStar** : this one goes out to the angriest fetus in here

  
**TheSelfieSON** : i swear to god

  
**TheSelfieStar** : why do u just assume i meant you?? maybe i was talking to minami, you dont know my life.

  
**TheSelfieSON** : you were talking to me, asshat

  
**TheSelfieStar** : yes i was

  
**TheSelfieStar** : anyway, truth or dare

  
**TheSelfieSON** : dare, because im not a wimp like viktor

  
**Team phichit-gil** : im still disappointed in him tbh

  
**Team phichit-gil** : I thought i knew him but i was wrong

  
**Team phichit-gil** : so, so wrong

  
**TheSelfieStar** : yurio, i dare you to kiss Otabek next time you see him in person

  
**TheSelfieSON** : are you kidding me? Im not doing that

  
**The Clear Winner** : Yeah, that’s a stupid dare.

  
**TheSelfieSON** : that’s repulsive

  
**~private message between The Clear Winner and TheSelfieSON~**

  
**TheSelfieSON** : just so you know, i don't actually find you repulsive or anything

  
**TheSelfieSON** : i just dont want phichit getting ideas

  
**The Clear Winner** : Haha, it’s fine.

  
**TheSelfieSON** : i wouldnt mind doing the dare but they would bother me forever about it if i did

  
**TheSelfieSON** : it’s not such a big deal

  
**The Clear Winner** : Saying that it isn’t a big deal doesn’t change that it is.

  
**The Clear Winner** : but I get it.

  
**TheSelfieSON** : i feel like you’re mad

  
**The Clear Winner** : I’m not mad at you.

  
**TheSelfieSON** : dont be mad in general

  
**TheSelfieSON** : your face is nice when you’re smiling

  
**The Clear Winner** : Really?

  
**TheSelfieSON** : yeah

  
**TheSelfieSON** : and if you tell anyone i said that, i’ll make sure your face never looks nice again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HAS BEEN A FEW DAYS SINCE IVE UPDATED, AND IM SORRY FOR THAT, BUT IPHONE'S DONT LET ME COPY STUFF IN BOLD. SO BASICALLY I SPENT 20 MINUTES REDOING IT BY HAND. 
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and ideas though, mateys! Keep them coming!


	9. in which JJ is angry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ is upset that he was not nominated for the cutest couple award, and Yurio is mysteriously missing...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few people said the names confused them, so from now on, I'll post a guide to the nicknames here. This DOESN'T include nickname changes... you have to keep up with that yourselves! (ALSO IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU READ THE END NOTES THANKS.)
> 
> JJ = Le Roi
> 
> Viktor = Skating_Jesus
> 
> Yuuri = Team phichit-gil
> 
> Otabek = The Clear Winner
> 
> Minami = Minamegatron
> 
> Guang-Hong = guang-hacked-phichit
> 
> Leo = both-iglesia’s
> 
> Christophe = chrismatic
> 
> Seung-gil = Seung-gil
> 
> Phichit = TheSelfieStar
> 
> Yurio = TheSelfieSON

 

  
  


**Le Roi:** it has come to my attention that nobody nominated me for the cutest couple award

 

**Le Roi:** unacceptable

 

**Le Roi added Isabella Yang to the group.**

 

**Isabella Yang:** … Why am i here, JJ?

 

**Le Roi:** tell them that we’re the cutest couple

 

**Le Roi:** tell them, honey

 

**Isabella Yang:** i would, but viktor and katsuki yuuri are pretty adorable.

 

**Skating_Jesus:** HELL YES

 

**Le Roi removed Isabella Yang from the group.**

 

**Skating_Jesus:** NO!!

 

**Team phichit-gil:** bring her bACK

 

**Le Roi:** NO

 

**Le Roi:** she’s a BACKSTABBER

 

**Team phichit-gil added Isabella Yang to the group.**

 

**Le Roi:** you know what

 

**Le Roi:** we’re the cutest, even if my partner won’t acknowledge it

 

**The Clear Winner:** Nothing involving you could ever be cute.

 

**Isabella Yang:** what are you talking about? he’s very handsome!

 

**Le Roi:** SO IM HANDSOME BUT YOU DONT WANT TO BE CUTE WITH ME???

 

**both-iglesia's:** it’s nothing personal, you guys just arent gay enough to be the cutest couple

 

**guang-hacked-phichit changed the group name to “heterNO”**

 

**chrismatic:** did you just assume her gender? 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** CHRISTOPHE

 

**Skating_Jesus:** WE DO NOT USE DISTASTEFUL MEMES IN THE PRESENCE OF A LADY

 

**Isabella Yang:** you assumed my gender again

 

**Isabella Yang:** *slow exhale* BOI

 

**both-iglesia's:** wow JJ

 

**both-iglesia's:** your fiancé is officially cooler than you

 

**guang-hacked-phichit:** she’s the meme queen of 2017 

 

**Le Roi:** I just wanted to be cute :( 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** aww guys, now look what you did!

 

**Minamegatron:** if it makes u feel better, i think u guys are vv cute!!! 

 

**Le Roi:** thanks minami

 

**Le Roi:** minami is the only one in this group chat that appreciates me

 

**Isabella Yang:** i love you babe

 

**Le Roi:** if you loved me you wouldnt betray me like this

 

**Isabella Yang:** i love you enough not to lie to you

 

**Le Roi left the group.**

 

**TheSelfieStar:** oh no :(

 

**both-iglesia's:** yo, has anyone seen yurio around?

 

**both-iglesia's:** he hasnt said anything in the gc all day

 

**guang-hacked-phichit changed his name to “guacamole-hong”**

 

**guacamole-hong:** petition to outlaw leo from saying “yo” ever again”

 

**chrismatic:** signed

 

**TheSelfieStar:** signed

 

**Minamegatron:** signed

 

**both-iglesia's:** check YOurselves 

 

**guacamole-hong:** did you just make a fucking pun

 

**both-iglesia's changed his name to “LeYO”**

 

**guacamole-hong:** DIE A PAINFUL DEATH

 

**LeYO:** calm down

 

**guacamole-hong:** I DONT KNOW HOW ANYMORE, LEO

 

**LeYO:** may i suggest some YOga?

 

**LeYO:** maybe afterwards go out for some calming frozen YOghurt

 

**guacamole-hong removed LeYO from the group.**

 

**Team phichit-gil changed his name to YOri.**

 

**guacamole-hong:** you want to fucking f i g h t?

 

**Skating_Jesus changed the group name to “heterYO”**

 

**guacamole-hong:** g o o d b y e

 

**Isabella Yang:** who wants to go out for karaYOke?

 

**Seung-gil:** only if we’re YOdelling

 

**guacamole-hong left the group.**

 

**YOri added LeYO and Le Roi to the group.**

 

**LeYO:** i leave for one minute and i missed isabella and seung-gil throwing down the pun law

 

**Skating_Jesus:** ikr?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** it’s like… YOly shit

 

**YOri:** we’re not doing that anymore, viktor

 

**YOri:** catch up

 

**Minamegatron:** omg that was mean

 

**Skating_Jesus:** ouch

 

**Skating_Jesus:** my hEART

 

**The Clear Winner:** What heart?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** OH OKAY

 

**Skating_Jesus:** NOW THAT JJ’S GONE YOU COME AT  _ ME _

 

**Skating_Jesus:** even you, yuuri

 

**YOri:** im sorry bb

 

**YOri:** i didnt mean it

 

**The Clear Winner:** I didn’t mean it either.

 

**The Clear Winner:** But I’m not going to call you “bb” to prove it.

 

**Skating_Jesus:** but otabae

 

**Minamegatron:** speaking of otabek’s bae, where  _ IS  _ yurio?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i stg if he breaks into another house and starts talking about steve buscemi grass, im not saving his sorry butt again

 

**The Clear Winner:** Technically,  _ I  _ saved his sorry butt.

 

**YOri:** he’s right, viktor

 

**YOri:** you just cried the whole time

 

**YOri:** a lot

 

**Skating_Jesus:** pfft liES

 

**Minamegatron:** …????

 

**Seung-gil:** I was just thinking the same thing

 

**TheSelfieStar:** oh yeah

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i forgot that seung-gil and minami missed the early group chat

 

**Isabella Yang:** i missed out, too

 

**TheSelfieStar:** ur staying?

 

**Isabella Yang:** i was planning to…

 

**TheSelfieStar:** OMG NO DONT LEAVE BECAUSE OF ME

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i just meant that you’re our first female member and also our first non-skater member

 

**Le Roi:** it’s because she’s so unique :-) 

 

**Seung-gil:** no, it’s because you’re the only one here with the good sense to NOT like another male skater

 

**Seung-gil:** and half the world is female, having a pussy doesnt make her unique

 

**Minamegatron:** … 

 

**Minamegatron:** r u okay 

 

**Seung-gil:** I’m just filling in for yurio while he’s gone

 

**Seung-gil:** the chat feels empty without someone lowering everyone else’s self-esteem every 5 minutes

 

**YOri:** tbh i dont know how otabek does it

 

**YOri:** i would probs be driven to suicide if i spent a long time talking to him

 

**TheSelfieStar:** “you’re the only one here with the good sense to NOT like another male skater”

 

**TheSelfieStar:** does that mean you like another male skater, seung-gil??

 

**Seung-gil:** i meant besides me

 

**YOri:** sure you did, m8

 

**Minamegatron:** i dont like another male skater???

 

**Skating_Jesus:** you literally said you would have yuuri’s babies a couple of chapters ago

 

**Skating_Jesus’s:** oops autocorrect, i meant chats

 

**Minamegatron:** but im the only one who isnt serious about it

 

**Minamegatron:** like, everyone in this chat likes someone else in this chat

 

**Minamegatron:** and im all by myself 

 

**Isabella Yang:** i relate

 

**Isabella Yang:** forever alone

 

**Le Roi:** we are eNGAGED, WOMAN

 

**Seung-gil:** i dont like anybody in this chat either

 

**YOri:** you said you liked another male skater

 

**YOri:** don’t pretend

 

**TheSelfieStar:** im a male skater

 

**TheSelfieStar:** holy shit

 

**TheSelfieStar:** what are the odds

 

**guacamole-hong:** that… that’s the point, phichit

 

**TheSelfieStar:** OMG IT IS??

 

**Seung-gil:** no, it’s not 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** :-( 

 

**Seung-gil:** why is that upsetting?

 

**TheSelfieStar:** …

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i’ve been legit so obvious so i guess you already know, but i really like you?? i added you to this groupchat because i didnt know how to message you alone

 

**Seung-gil:** …

 

**Seung-gil:** are you joking?

 

**YOri:** HE’S NOT

 

**The Clear Winner:** Pretty sure Yuri P still has the screenshots to prove it.

 

**Seung-gil:** well damn

 

**Seung-gil:** are you doing anything rn phichit?

 

**TheSelfieStar:** dying inside

 

**Seung-gil:** i meant besides that

 

**TheSelfieStar:** no

 

**Seung-gil:** meet me at the coffee shop across from the rink 

 

**Seung-gil:** if you want 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** OMG 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i mean

 

**TheSelfieStar:** be right there

 

**YOri:** GO PHICHIT!!

 

**YOri:** MY BOY!!

 

**Isabella Yang:** now we’re not even the second cutest couple anymore, sorry JJ

 

**Le Roi left the group.**

 

**LeYO:** why is everyone always forgetting me and guang-hong??? are we not gay enough for you??

 

**guacamole-hong:** that cant be it

 

**guacamole-hong:** we’re super gay

 

**LeYO:** true

 

**chrismatic:** probs because you guys have the most chill relationship

 

**chrismatic:** everyone else is either lowkey flirting cONSTANTLY or drawing attention to themselves by being kinky

 

**LeYO:** so we have to get kinkier!!!

 

**guacamole-hong:** im on it

 

**LeYO:** what 

 

**LeYO:** guang what the fuck do you mean by that

 

**guacamole-hong:** ;-)

 

**LeYO:** GUANG-HONG JI

 

**LeYO:** ANSWER ME

 

**LeYO:** ANSWER YOUR MOTHER

 

**chrismatic:** speaking of kinks

 

**chrismatic:** mommy kink confirmed

 

**LeYO:** NOOOooooOoo

 

**Skating_Jesus:** wait so are we sure yurio’s not online?

 

**YOri:** he’s usually really active here and he hasn’t said anything all day

 

 **YOri:** even when JJ’s fiancé dissed him, he didnt show up

 

**guacamole-hong:** oh no he’s probably dead in a ditch

 

**guacamole-hong:** no way would he miss that opportunity

 

**The Clear Winner:** He also hadn’t posted anything on instagram lately.

 

**chrismatic:** otabek stalks yurio’s instagram 

 

**chrismatic:** confirmed

 

**YOri:** he’s sleeping, guys

 

**YOri:** i just checked on him

 

**Skating_Jesus:** okay

 

**Skating_Jesus:** so since he’s not here to use anything against us..

 

**Skating_Jesus:** we should all tell an interesting sex story and then immediately delete them

 

**chrismatic:** IM IN

 

**LeYO:** that’s what he said

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i’ll start 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** once i tried to cuddle yuuri early in the morning and i thought he was just super enthusiastic about making out but it turned out i was kissing makkachin 

 

**LeYO:** I SPIT OUT MY TEA

 

**YOri:** YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THAT

 

**YOri:** so basically you cheated on me with your dog

 

**Skating_Jesus:** that’s not important

 

**Skating_Jesus:** NEXT

 

**chrismatic:** handcuffs

 

**chrismatic:** need i say more? ;-)

 

**Minamegatron:** minor right here

 

**guacamole-hong:** one time (before i dated leo) i tried to hook up with a guy at a club, right?

 

**guacamole-hong:** so we get to his place

 

**guacamole-hong:** AND HE’S STRAIGHT

 

**LeYO:** WHAT

 

**guacamole-hong:** YEAH

 

**guacamole-hong:** HE THOUGHT I WAS A gIRL

 

**guacamole-hong:** THE CURSE OF HAVING A BABY FACE

 

**Skating_Jesus:** wow, his standards must have been low

 

**Skating_Jesus:** you would be a hella flat girl

 

**guacamole-hong:** i feel insulted but im not sure why

 

**LeYO:** i dont have any weird hook up stories

 

**LeYO:** y’all are making me wish i had something to contribute

 

**The Clear Winner:** I don’t have any, either.

 

**Isabella Yang:** JJ and i were in bed once, and he learned the hard way that his new clothing line should never be washed in cold water

 

**Minamegatron:** oml i want to hear this

 

**Isabella Yang:** the cloth got sticky

 

**Isabella Yang:** REALLY sticky

 

**LeYO:** please tell me this is going where i think it is

 

**Isabella Yang:** we had to cut the pants off his penis

 

**Isabella Yang:** he walked around with a piece of fabric stuck to it for  _ days _

 

**YOri:** OH MY gOODNESS

 

**Le Roi joined the group.**

 

**Le Roi:** thanks for nothing isabella

 

**Isabella Yang:** what? It’s a cute story.

 

**Le Roi:** so NOW im cute

 

**Le Roi:** whatever

 

**Le Roi:** just hurry up and delete these stories before yurio wakes up

 

**TheSelfieSON:** evil never sleeps, bitches

 

**TheSelfieSON:** i’ve been taking screenshots this entire time

 

**Skating_Jesus:** SHIT

 

**Skating_Jesus:** THE fcUCK

 

**Skating_Jesus:** FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

**Minamegatron:** plot twist

 

**Minamegatron:** DUN DUN DUN

 

**Le Roi:** listen here you little shit

 

**TheSelfieSON:** call me a little shit one more time and im posting the screenshots on instagram and sending all these stories to your grandma’s

 

**Isabella Yang:** im grudgingly impressed

 

**Isabella Yang:** he’s an asshole but he’s diabolical

 

**The Clear Winner:** He is small, but he is mighty.

 

**TheSelfieSON:** HELL YEAH I AM

 

**TheSelfieSON:** FEAR ME

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, once again, you have all exceeded my expectations! I LOVE reading all your comments and suggestions, even if I won't be able to do them all... just know that this fic isn't over, even if I don't update for a few days in a row!
> 
> NOW
> 
> LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. (to defeat the huns?)
> 
> The next chapter (or the one after that) will need an original character! They WILL be in the group chat, I'm not sure for how long. So if any of you want to submit one, I'll pick my favourite - or the most plot compliant - oc for the fic! All I REALLY need to know is their name/gender/sexuality/personality but feel free to add whatever feels important! I CANNOT EVEN START WRITING THE NEXT CHAPTER UNTIL I PICK AN OC. They should probably be an ice skater, although nobody in the chat will know who they are. THANKS AND ILY GUYS!


	10. in which minami makes a mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrong number nonsense!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOO BOY, LEMME TELL YOU THAT PICKING AN OC LAST CHAPTER WAS NOT EASY. I SERIOUSLY ADORED EACH AND EVERY ONE??? AND SOME OF THEM WERE SO GOOD, BUT SADLY, I COULD ONLY PICK ONE; I CHOSE THE ONE THAT SEEMED WOULD WORK THE BEST WITH THE REST OF THE CHARACTERS, AND WITH WHAT I HAVE PLANNED.
> 
> I CHOSE BILLIE, CANDYBOOKS OC. (http://archiveofourown.org/users/CandyBooks/pseuds/CandyBooks) I REALLY REALLY LIKED THEM AND THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE GREAT FOR THIS. THANKS FOR THE AMAZING OC!, AND I REALLY HOPE THAT I DIDN'T FUCK THEM UP.

**JJ = Le Roi**

**Viktor = Skating_Jesus**

**Yuuri = YOri**

**Otabek = The Clear Winner**

**Minami = Minamegatron**

**Guang-Hong = guacamole-hong**

**Leo = LeYO**

**Christophe = chrismatic**

**Seung-gil = Seung-gil**

**Phichit = TheSelfieStar**

**Yurio = TheSelfieSON**

**Billie = SweetNSour**

* * *

 

**Minamegatron added SweetNSour to the group.**

 

 **Minamegatron:** oops

 

 **Minamegatron:** i meant to add georgi!!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** the fuck you want that dry raisin contaminating this chat for?

 

 **chrismatic:** r00d

 

 **chrismatic:** he’s not that bad

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Isn’t he the one who always shouts during his performances?

 

 **chrismatic:** he doesnt do it that much

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I’m pretty sure he starts crying halfway through every show.

 

 **The Clear Winner** : Is he emotionally stable enough for a group chat?

 

 **Minamegatron:** guys, he probably would want to be included??? he’s the only male figure skater i know who hasn’t been added.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i guess that we can't sink lower than adding JJ, so i don't really care

 

 **Le Roi:** listen here, you fetus

 

 **Le Roi:** once you hit puberty, you can insult me all you want

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** um excuse me mr. fabric-dick

 

 **Le Roi:** ONE

 

 **Le Roi:** TIME

 

 **SweetNSour:**???

 

 **Minamegatron:** omg im sorry stranger

 

 **Minamegatron:** lemme just remove you real quick

 

 **SweetNSour:** nooOOOOOO

 

 **SweetNSour:** dont remove me!!!

 

 **Minamegatron:** im sorry

 

 **Minamegatron:** stranger danger and all

 

 **SweetNSour:** i wont be a stranger if you let me stay!!

 

 **Minamegatron:** dont worry, everyone here is mean anyways

 

 **SweetNSour:** pls dont kick me out

 

 **SweetNSour:** i love you

 

 **Minamegatron:** omg really?

 

 **YOri:** MINAMI NO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** MINAMI YES

 

 **Minamegatron:** okay but they said they loved me

 

 **Minamegatron:** i cant argue with that logic

 

 **YOri:** M I N A M I

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** hello sweetnsour!!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i’m phichit, i’m a male figure skater, and i’m very gay

 

 **Seung-gil:** i’m Seung-gil Lee, i’m also a male figure skater, and i’m the reason he’s gay

 

 **YOri:** OH MY GOD

 

 **YOri:** ARE YOU GUYS A THING NOW

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** yes!!!

 

 **YOri:** MY SONS

 

 **YOri:** IM crYING

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** he literally IS crying

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** congratulations!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** thanks!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** and just to be clear, he's not actually the reason i’m gay

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i liked dicks long before i met him

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** he just coincidentally has one

 

 **SweetNSour:** that’s so cute! How long have you been together?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** this is our one day anniversary

 

 **SweetNSour:** …

 

 **SweetNSour:** you better be getting paid some solid cash if you’re already liking his dick after one day

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** OMG NO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** It’S NOT LIKE THAT

 

 **SweetNSour:** i didn’t know you could fumble over text

 

 **SweetNSour:** smooth as chunky peanut butter

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** pshhh one more asshole in this chat

 

 **SweetNSour:** i’m not an asshole im sweetnsour!

 

 **SweetNSour:** plus, you’re cute enough to get away with it

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** how would you know?

 

 **SweetNSour:** you’re a nationally ranked figure skater

 

 **SweetNSour:** google exists

 

 **SweetNSour:** you do the math

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** well thank you!! ^-^

 

 **Seung-gil:** you misspelled “back the fuck off”

 

 **SweetNSour:** YOU GONE BACK THAT SHIT UP OR SHOULD I PUSH UP ON IT?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** jesus take the wheel

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** TEMPERATURE RISING, OKAY, LET’S GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL

 

 **SweetNSour:** DANCE FLOOR JAM PACKED IT’S HOT AS A TEA KETTLE

 

 **YOri:** what?? is ?? happening??

 

 **Le Roi:** really

 

 **Le Roi:** candy shop!?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** ILL BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU NOW BABY IT’S SIMPLE

 

 **SweetNSour:** IF YOU BE A NYMPHO, ILL BE A NYMPHO

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** IN THE HOTEL OR IN THE BACK OF THE RENTAL

 

 **SweetNSour:** IN THE BEACH OR IN THE PARK, IT’S WHATEVER YOU’RE INTO

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** GOT THE MAGIC STICK, IM THE LOVE DOCTOR

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** yurio, i did not raise you to be this sINFUL

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** YOU’RE NOT MY DAD

 

 **SweetNSour:** mmMMM daddy

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** pls stop this

 

 **Minamegatron:** let’s just continue the introductions

 

 **Minamegatron:** that was super uncomfortable

 

 **Minamegatron:** also we still dont know ur name, new person!!

 

 **Minamegatron:** guys??

 

 **Minamegatron:** okay so im all alone now

 

 **Minamegatron:** why did u all abandon me

 

 **Minamegatron:** someone get in here and loVE ME

 

 **Minamegatron:** fine

 

 **Minamegatron:** just know that i was drawing smth and i accidentally drew the sun black because u guys made me sad by leAVING

 

 **SweetNSour:** I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE YOU SAD, MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD

 

 **Minamegatron:** i’m not a sweet summer child

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** pfft you totally are

 

 **Minamegatron:** aww thank you!!!

 

 **SweetNSour:** okay so

 

 **SweetNSour:** my name is billie, i’m pansexual and agender, and i’ve never been accidentally added to a chat for professional figure skaters before

 

 **SweetNSour:** shocking, i know

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Everyone has accidentally been added to a chat of professional figure skaters before.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** It’s part of growing up.

 

 **Minamegatron:** introduce yourself, otabek!

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Oh.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I’m Otabek.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** wow

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** what a thrilling introduction

 

 **SweetNSour:** i love ur grammar

 

 **SweetNSours:** educated guys are sexy

 

 **chrismatic:** *puts on glasses*

 

 **chrismatic:** I’m christophe, I’m educated and I’m signifigantly sexier than all these losers.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** You misspelled “significantly.”

 

 **chrismatic:** SHSKSJSKSKHFJXB

 

 **chrismatic:** who aSKED YOU

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i’m yuri plisetsky, the youngest grand prix final gold medalist in history, and otabek’s best friend

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** you feeling a little possessive over there, yurio?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you feeling a little like you want your DICK CHOPPED OFF, viktor?

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** jesus

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** point taken

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i’m viktor nikiforov, you’ve probably heard of me

 

 **SweetNSour:** nope

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** …

 

 **SweetNSour:** wait

 

 **SweetNSour:** I HAVE HEARD OF YOU

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** thank god

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** my ego almost took a plummet

 

 **SweetNSour:** YOU’RE DATING GRAND PRIX SILVER MEDALIST KATSUKI YUURI!!!

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** …

 

**Skating_Jesus left the group.**

 

**YOri added Skating_Jesus to the group.**

 

 **YOri:** bb dont be that way

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** dishonour on my family

 

 **Minamegatron:** DISHONOUR ON YOUR COW

 

 **SweetNSour:** OMG KATSUKI YUURI IS _HERE_

 

 **SweetNSour:** I DON'T KEEP UP W/ SKATING BUT YOU’RE REALLY HOT

 

 **chrismatic:** is there _anyone_ you dont think is hot?

 

 **SweetNSour:** yeah

 

 **SweetNSour:** little bitches like you

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I like this person.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** im signing the adoption papers as we speak

 

 **SweetNSour:** but,,, if you guys adopt me,,, otabek is my daddy!!

 

 **SweetNSour:** im so blessed

 

 **The Clear Winner:** What does that even mean?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** otabek… do you not have access to the internet

 

 **The Clear Winner:** i only ever use netflix and this messenger

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** #honoured

 

 **guacamole-hong:** hi im guang-hong ji and im hotter than my boyfriend leo de la iglesia. I too am very gay, like everyone in this chat.

 

 **SweetNSour:** i just googled all of you, and lemme tell you that we agree to disagree

 

 **SweetNSour:** Leo is one damn FINE mofo

 

 **guacamole-hong:** who gave you the right

 

 **guacamole-hong:** that’s my boyfriend you shithead

 

 **SweetNSour:** sorry :(

 

 **SweetNSour:** i didnt mean to upset you

 

 **SweetNSour:** you’re too cute to be hot tho

 

 **guacamole-hong:** you’re so sweet, it’s fine!

 

 **SweetNSour:** look at my name and think about what you just said

 

 **Le Roi:** “I too am very gay, like everyone in this chat”

 

 **Le Roi:** im Jean-Jacques Leroy and im here to remind you that im in this chat

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** exactly

 

 **Le Roi:** we already had this conversation

 

 **Le Roi:** me and isabella are the only herosexuals

 

 **Isabella Yang:** who said i’m heterosexual?

 

 **Le Roi:** once again

 

 **Le Roi:** we’re eNGAGED

 

 **Isabella Yang:** but theoretically I could be bisexual

 

 **SweetNSour:** or pansexual

 

 **SweetNSour:** can i get a holla

 

 **Le Roi:** i didnt expect to be ganged up on by my own fiancé

 

 **The Clear Winner:** So we’re pretty much done with introductions now.

 **LeYO:** fuck you, dude

 

 **LeYO:** i’m leo de la iglesia and it’s nice to finally meet someone not entirely homosexual

 

 **LeYO:** i only know hardcore homosexuals

 

 **LeYO:** including myself

 

 **LeYO:** ily guang <3

 

 **SweetNSour:** legally changing my name to guang now so that i can say that i love you too babe

 

 **LeYO:** let’s elope

 

 **SweetNSour:** let’s have 2 children named Pear and Chansey

 

 **LeYO:** the fuck kind of names are those

 

 **LeYO:** nevermind, the deal is off

 

 **SweetNSour:** but babe

 

 **The Clear Winner:** _Now_ that’s everyone, except for Seung-gil, who isn’t online anymore.

 

 **SweetNSour:** you would be wrong again, my dear otabek

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** wow

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** so you’re in an established relationship with 2 different members of this chat now

 

 **SweetNSour:** problem? ;-)

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** no

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** why would i have a problem

 

 **SweetNSour:** just checking! :D

 

 **SweetNSour:** anyway, minami still hasn’t introduced himself

 

 **Minamegatron:** yes i did!

 

 **YOri:** no, you only spoke to keep it moving

 

 **Minamegatron:** oh

 

 **Minamegatron:** OOPS

 

 **Minamegatron:** im sorry!! My name is Minami, i am very gay, 18 years old as of a week ago, and i really like cats

 

 **SweetNSour:** cats are my favourite!

 

 **Minamegatron:** THEY HAVE PADS ON THEIR FEET AND THEY MEOW AND THEIR FACES ARE SO CUTE BUT THEY ARE ALSO SECRET KILLING MACHINES SO THEY’RE LIKE ADORABLE SECRET AGENTS LIVING UNDERCOVER IN MY hEART

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** chill

 

 **chrismatic:** i like cats too!

 

 **SweetNSour:** you like pussy, chrismatictophe?

 

 **chrismatic:** why does minami get to rant about his love for cats but the second i say something its a dirty joke

 

 **YOri:** K A R M A

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** what goes around comes around

 

 **SweetNSour:** yeah,,, but minami is my sweet summer child who must be protected at all costs?? im not about to mess with his pURITY

 

 **Minamegatron:** oml im blushing

 

 **Minamegatron:** thank you so much!!

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Yuri says he finished signing the adoption papers, but he’s considering burning them is you keep making it sound like Minami is better than us.

 

 **SweetNSour:** no dont throw me out in the street like this

 

 **SweetNSour:** OTABEK ILY PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

 

 **SweetNSour:** i’ll do anything to stay ;-)

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Um…

 

 **SweetNSour:** you didnt say you were in a relationship, so what’s ur issue?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** some people dont like other people forcing themselves on them

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** god

 

 **SweetNSour:** i could swear you have a problem yuri ;-) card to share?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** fuck off

 

**~private message between The Clear Winner and TheSelfieSON~**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Are you okay?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** yeah

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Because you kind of went all out on them.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** im just super tired and more irritable than usual

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Then sleep! Isn’t it 3 AM in Moscow??

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** but if i sleep something exciting will happen!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** last time they thought i was asleep, they tried to sneak their embarrassing stories past me

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I promise to take lots of screenshots for you if anything happens.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** really?

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I think I can handle pressing a couple of buttons on my phone.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** thank you

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i’ll go to bed really soon

 

**~back to the group chat~**

 

 **chrismatic:** fuck ON

 

 **SweetNSour:** says the only other single person in this chat

 

 **SweetNSour:** an entire group of queer male figure skaters and you _still_ couldnt get a date

 

 **LeYO:** siZZLE

 

 **LeYO:** you need some ICE for that burn?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** there are lots of single people in this chat

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** exhibit A

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** me

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Me too.

 

**~private message between The Clear Winner and TheSelfieSON~**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Go to sleep, Yuri.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** fineeee

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i’m going

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** good night

 

 **The Clear Winner:** it’s 6 AM in Kazhakstan

 

 **The Clear Winner:** more like good morning

 

**~end of private message~**

 

 **SweetNSour:** ;) what ;) a ;) coincidence ;) that ;) the ;) only ;) other ;) single ;) people ;) are ;) you ;) two ;)

 

 **LeYO:** probably because yurio’s emo

 

 **LeYO:** cut your fringe m8

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Qualify for a medal, m8.

 

 **SweetNSour:** as i said

 

 **SweetNSour:** ;) what ;) a ;) coincidence ;)

 

 **Minamegatron:** im single too???

 

 **SweetNSour:** …

 

 **SweetNSour:** HOW???

 

 **Minamegatron:** idk

 

 **Minamegatron:** by the time i started talking to them, all the age appropriate guys had already paired up

 

 **SweetNSour:** but if yuri and otabek are still single, they’re both within two years of you!

 

 **Minamegatron:** let’s get real here

 

 **Minamegatron:** they don’t like me like that

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** yeah because they’re way too fuckin whipped to focus on anyone else

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** dont worry minami

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** if i werent 10 years older than you, we would totally be married rn and our kids would be the cutest things

 

 **Minamegatron:** my face is so red you guys

 

 **YOri:** ouch!

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** sorry babe, i tell no lies

 

 **Minamegatron:** no no no

 

 **YOri:** we’re #thru

 

 **Minamegatron:** nO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IM WITH MINAMI ON THIS ONE

 

 **Minamegatron:** if viktuuri ever breaks up im going to cry

 

 **SweetNSour:** sorry guys, you have to be together forever

 

 **SweetNSour:** you have no choice

 

 **YOri:** … Why?

 

 **SweetNSour:** because it’s iLLEGAL to make Minami cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally ended up shipping this OC and Minami??? Idk how it happened but it did, don't question it. To the creator of this OC: please give me more information on this OC, and any thoughts you have! Thanks for all the lovely OC's and for commenting, guys!


	11. in which phichit is a little bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anGST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter caused a lot of controversy. A lot of you liked the OC, a lot of you didn't, and I appreciate all the support! In this chapter, I removed Billie, because I didn't need him to further the chat anymore, but he might be making another appearance in later chapters!
> 
> Also, I'm sorry in advance for this.

 

**TheSelfieSON removed SweetNSour from the group.**

 

**TheSelfieStar added SweetNSour to the group.**

 

**TheSelfieSON removed SweetNSour from the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** wth???

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** sorry, but yakov says he’ll disband this entire chat if we keep this stranger in it

 

 **TheSelfieStar:**???

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** they could leak information to the media

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** it’s very logical

 

 **YOri:** more like stupid

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** trust me, nobody is more heartbroken to see my child leave

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** that was sarcasm

 

 **The Clear Winner:** How did Yakov find out about Billie? Or this group, for that matter?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** DONT LOOK AT ME

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** it was minami that blabbed  to his coach so much that she had to talk to yakov about it

 

 **LeYO:** our coaches are actually consulting about this??

 

 **LeYO:** they do realize this chat is 40% innuendos, 30% roasting JJ, and 40% shipping each other

 

 **guacamole-hong:** wow

 

 **guacamole-hong:** my bf is so good at math

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** no, IM the best at math

 

 **YOri:** i got better grades than you all through school

 

 **YOri:** try again honey

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i know SOME stuff

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** you + me = <3

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** yUCK

 

 **LeYO:** i’m the best at math!!!

 

 **LeYO:** guang

 

 **LeYO:** guang

 

 **LeYO:** i want to add you and me

 

 **LeYO:** subtract the clothes

 

 **LeYO:** divide the legs

 

 **LeYO:** and mULTIPLY

 

 **guacamole-hong:** BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE

 

 **guacamole-hong:** IM NOT THE FUCKING VIRGIN MARY

 

 **LeYO:** i can verify that ½ if that is true

 

 **LeYO:** you are definitely not a virgin

 

**TheSelfieSON left the group.**

 

**The Clear Winner added TheSelfieSON to the group.**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I refuse to be left here alone.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you could just leave with me??

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** THEY’RE eLOPING

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** CATCH THEM

 

**TheSelfieSON left the group.**

 

**The Clear Winner left the group.**

 

**TheSelfieStar added TheSelfieSON to the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** NOBODY ADD OTABEK

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** wow rude

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IM SERIOUS DONT DO IT

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** what if my finger where to… slip

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** we’re all going to have a talk about your Real Feelings™

 

 **YOri:** im changing the group code so that he cant rejoin by himself

 

**YOri changed the group code.**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** thx ur the real mvp

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** so

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** son

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** we know that adolescents is a tough and confusing time

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** what the fuck

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** you may start experiencing urges

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** no

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** or growing hair in new and wonderful places

 

 **chrismatic:** “wonderful”

 

 **YOri:** they’re pretty wonderful

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** excuse me but i am a child of god

 

 **chrismatic:** so am i

 

 **chrismatic:** you ppl need jesus

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** pFFFT

 

 **chrismatic:** why do you laugh? it’s true

 

 **chrismatic:** jesus is in me

 

 **chrismatic:** ifyouknowwhatimean ;)

 

**TheSelfieSON left the group.**

 

**TheSelfieStar added TheSelfieSON to the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** NO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** OFF TOPIC

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** WE’RE HERE TO FOCUS ON YURIO’S REAL FEELINGS™

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** why dont we focus on mila’s questionably-real butt instead?

 

 **YOri:** i’m friends with sara and she can confirm that it is indeed real

 

 **YOri:** ffs dont tell michele

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** that looks like receipt #107 thank you very much

 

 **Seung-gil:** wow

 

 **Seung-gil:** 107

 

 **Isabella Yang:** I have 109 :-)

 

 **Isabella Yang:** eat my shorts

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** FCUCK SOMEONE TEXT ME SOMETHING PERSONAL

 

**~private message between TheSelfieSON and chrismatic~**

 

 **chrismatic:** the ice doesnt just _look_ soaking wet after i perform

 

 **chrismatic:** if you get me

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** tOOO PERSONAL TOO PErsONAL

 

**~end of private message~**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** so

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** yuri

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** tell me about your relationship with otabek

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** we’re bff’s

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** we do all the usual bff stuff

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** make friendship bracelets, braid each other’s hair, play dress up with our dolls

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** do you really??

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** NO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** but it would have been hella cute :(

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** im pretty sure that if you look through his instagram there’s a picture of his hair braided with otabek tagged

 

 **LeYO:** YOU BETTER NOT BE SHITTING ME

 

 **LeYO:** IM OFF TO ~~STALK~~ CHECK HIS INSTAGRAM

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** omGGGGGG

 

 **YOri:** phichit

 

 **YOri:** focus

 

 **YOri:** we’re not getting anywhere

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** seung-gil

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** bab

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** BAB

 

 **Seung-gil:** “bab”

 

**Seung-gil changed his name to seung-BABoon**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** wow ok so you kick me when im down

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** you’re only down because you need me to interrogate yurio for you, since you have a fundamental lack of focus, and you know i’ll get the job done quicker than your lazy ass

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** …

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** thanks bab i knew you’d understand

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** okay

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** let’s start off by establishing that everyone here knows about yurio’s moon-sized crush on otabek

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** moon sized? more like JJ’s ego size

 

 **Isabella Yang:** say what you want about my guy, but he doesn't accidentally expose himself like this

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** DID HE JUST ADMIT IT?? CANONICALLY??

 

 **YOri:** you need to stop reading fanfiction my guy

 

 **YOri:** you cant say canonically in the real world

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** how do u know this is the real world?? what if aliens are watching us right now?? what if we’re just part of a story?? what if the people READING our story are just part of a story being read by someone else in the _real_ real world??

 

 **YOri:** …

 

 **YOri:** IT’S TOO eARLY FOR THIS

 

 **LeYO:** we’re lame af

 

 **LeYO:** who would want ro read a story about us?

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** while you were talking, you guys let yurio fade out of this conversation

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** can everyone stop having existential-crises in this chat? Do it in a different one

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** a chat for just me and yuuri done and done

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** that’s called private messaging

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** why dont you support my dreams bab

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** your dream is to be in a two-person group devoted to existential crises?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** … you dont know my life

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** so, yurio

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** even you admit to having a crush on otabek

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i do no such thing

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i just wanted to roast JJ

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** it’s been a while

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** stop deflecting

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** we all see the crush

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** just yesterday, you got jealous when Billie started flirting with otabek

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** …

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** okay but it doesnt matter

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** im younger than him

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** your point?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** he would think im annoying

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** all of us have fans throwing themselves at us left and right, so it’s lost the appeal

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** im his young friend

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** he probably thinks im like

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** his little brother

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** or something

 

 **Le Roi:** or little sister!

 

 **Isabella Yang:** he’s opening up, JJ

 

 **Isabella Yang:** ruin it and i ruin you

 

 **Isabella Yang:** and also i love you

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i’m not good at emotions. We got a confession out of him, can someone else take the wheel?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IM TOO BUSY SCREAMING OMG OMG OMG

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IS THIS THE REAL LIFE

 

 **chrismatic:** or is this just fantasy…

 

 **YOri:** no

 

 **YOri:** i’ve got this

 

 **Minamegatron:** go mama yuuri! i believe in you!

 

 **YOri:** yurio, you’re not going to like what i tell you

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** what a coincidence

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i never like what you tell me

 

 **YOri:** you have the same mindset now as i did when i first met viktor

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** except im not a pig

 

 **YOri:** i was very insecure about a lot of things, probably more than you

 

 **YOri:** and i was very afraid of misreading the situation and looking stupid

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you always look stupid, you’re both gross

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** your loving mother is trying to give you a heartwarming life-lesson here, so SHUT YOUR FACE, YOU LITTLE tROLL

 

 **YOri:** anyways

 

 **YOri:** looking back, it was obvious that viktor liked me, too

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** excuse me?!

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** OBVIOUS?!

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i take it back, ignore everything your mother says

 

 **YOri:** but i never saw it because i was sure that i was trying so hard to see something that wasnt there, that when it was there, i thought it wasnt

 

 **YOri:** shit that didnt make sense hold on

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** no, it makes sense

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you thought that you wanted him to like you so much that you thought you were making up the mutual attraction in your head

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** but idk what the hell a disgusting pig-and-geezer love dynamic is supposed to teach me

 

 **LeYO:** DUDE

 

 **Isabella Yang:** LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, BLONDIE

 

 **Isabella Yang:** WE SHIP YOU BECAUSE IT’S CLEAR YOU LIKE EACH OTHER

 

 **Isabella Yang:** YOU CLEARLY HAVE ISSUES WITH REPRESSING YOUR EMOTIONS

 

 **Isabella Yang:** SO NOW YOU CAN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND FUCK IN YOUR FAIRYTALE CASTLE

 

 **LeYO:** unDERAGE

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** not in russia, bitch

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i can fuck who i want

 

 **chrismatic:** big talk

 

 **chrismatic:** can the rest of you measure up?

 

 **chrismatic:** ifyouknowwhatimean ;)

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i dont see how this changes anything though

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** if it's as obvious as you say it is, why hasn’t he confronted me?

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** maybe he’s going through the same things you are

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** you both tiptoe around it

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** well, then this did shit

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** he’s not going to talk to me about it until he somehow gets it through his thick skull that i like him more than platonically

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** and im sure as hell not initiating that awkward conversation

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** see, i thought you might say that

 

**TheSelfieStar added The Clear Winner to the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** nO

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** FICK fuCK fUCk fcUK

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** PHI _SHIT_ ILL KICK YOUR ASS

 

 **guacamole-hong:** omg

 

 **guacamole-hong:** im dying on yuri p’s behalf

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** DONT fUCKING SCROLL UP OTbeK

 

 **The Clear Winner:**??? Why ???

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** DO IT

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** YESSSS

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** NO

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** dONT DO iT

 

 **The Clear Winner:** …

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Oh.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mWAHAHAHAHahAHAHAhAHAHA


	12. in which our ship sails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angst is resolved and all is right with the world. 
> 
> (Alternative chapter title: "the-author-ended-last-chapter-on-a-cliffhanger-and-the-readers-nearly-killed-her")

  


**~private message between The Clear Winner and TheSelfieSON~**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Did you mean what you said in the group chat?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** what the hell do you fucking think

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I think yes.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** But it's not good to presume.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i literally didn’t know you were ever going to see it, why would i lie??

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I don’t want to talk about this over text.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Call me.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** what the fuck

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** no

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Fine.

 

**~end of private chat~**

 

Yuri nearly threw his phone, before he remembered that his grandfather had promised that he wouldn’t get another phone if he broke his current one.

 

(Because sometimes, he _did_ throw his phone.)

 

He nearly dropped it again a few seconds later, when it started ringing loudly. Otabek’s caller ID lit up the screen, making Yuri scowl. _Stubborn mule._

 

He picked up anyway. “I didn’t mean for you to call _me._ ”

 

“Going to Russia in person would take too long,” said Otabek. His voice was tinny through the phone speakers, and while Yuri would usually be happy to hear it, it set him on edge now that he knew Otabek knew his secret.

 

“It could have waited,” Yuri mumbled.

 

“No, it couldn’t have.”

 

He sighed and leaned back on his bed, not actually annoyed as he was acting. “You asshole. You listened to _Phichit_ when he told you to scroll up instead of to _me_?”

 

There was a moment of silence.

 

“I can’t hear you shrug through the phone, Otabek.”

 

“Oh, right,” he said unapologetically.

 

“So,” said Yuri.

 

“So,” said Otabek.

 

“You said you wanted to talk about it.”

 

There was another moment of silence, which made Yuri sigh. Otabek wasn’t a big talker - he preferred to communicate with gestures a lot of the time. Unfortunately, that didn’t work when they weren’t face to face. So while Yuri knew that Otabek had just nodded, he couldn’t hear it.

 

“Phone, Otabek. We’re talking on the phone.”

 

“Oops. I just nodded.”

 

“I guessed,” said Yuri. This time, the silence wasn’t the result of Otabek’s non-existent skill technology, but the result of the awkwardness. “Listen. If you want to talk about it, just talk. It’s not like there’s much for me to say that you don’t already know anymore.” He scowled. “Fucking Phichit.”

 

“Okay,” the sound of static filled the phone, a sign that Otabek was pacing. “Well… I don’t know how to say this.”

 

Yuri’s heart sank down into his stomach. Nothing good ever followed those words. He kept his voice casual as he replied, even though he felt like he was in danger of bursting into tears (or screaming) at any minute. “Just spit it out.”

 

“I… everything in the chat was true.”

 

“We already confirmed that I like you. That’s not what you wanted to talk about.”

 

“No,” said Otabek. “I mean _everything._ All of it.”

 

He still wasn’t understanding, until he scrolled through the old messages. Right there was Isabella and Yuuri, telling him that Otabek obviously returned his feelings.

 

“... Oh.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So… _all_ of it?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What about the part about fucking in a fairytale castle?”

 

Pause. “I don’t know,” said Otabek slowly. “Maybe if we can find one in the area.”

 

Utter delight shot through Yuri, replacing the feeling of dread he had felt only moments earlier.

 

“So, what? Are we dating now?” asked Yuri. He was sick of tiptoeing around the real topic of discussion.

 

“If you want to be.”

 

“Listen here, dumbass,” he scoffed. “I have made it pretty damn clear that I do want to be.”

 

“Then it looks like we’re dating.”

 

“It does, doesn’t it?” Yuri said. “This has really been one of our more productive phone calls.”

 

“It has,” replied Otabek. “... The group is going to be so obnoxious about this.”

 

“They really are,” he agreed. “But I’m not going to just tell them, of course.”

 

“What are you going to do, Yuri?”

 

He smirked. Even over the phone with this shitty reception, he was sure that Otabek could hear it.

 

“Just play along, alright?”

 

***

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** omg i know it’s going to go well but i’m so nervous???

 

 **Le Roi:** maybe cuz yurio’s going to kick your ass once he gets back

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** huh

 

 **Le Roi:** you betrayed him

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** betrayal is such an ugly word

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i was HELPING him

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** our boy was never going to get that dick without a little push

 

 **YOri:** that wasn’t a little push, that was a karate kick

 

 **Le Roi:** i completely agree with you phichit, but somehow, i dont think yurio will

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** oh shit

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** ur right

 

 **YOri:** run, phichit

 

 **YOri:** you must be gone by morning

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** FUUUUU-

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** im back

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** and phichit is dead

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** NO

 

 **YOri:** okay but aside from phichit’s death

 

 **YOri:** how did it go??

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** not good

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** …

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** WHAT

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** nO

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** yeah

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** we’re not friends anymore

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** oh my gosh

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** this is all my fault

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** yes it fucking is

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** im so sorry yurio :(

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you’ll be even sorrier once i kick your ass

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** let’s not be too hasty

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i would hate for you to ruin his ass

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i deserve to get my ass ruined

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i’m a horrible human being

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** you’re the opposite of horrible, phichit

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** hORRIBLE I SAY

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** I DONT EVEN DESERVE THE SWEET SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

 

**~private message between The Clear Winner and TheSelfieSON~**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Yuri, can I tell them now?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** not yet

 

 **The Clear Winner:** But Phichit said he didn’t even deserve the sweet sweet release of death.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** that’ll teach him not to mess with my private business!

 

 **The Clear Winner:** But if he hadn’t messed with your private business, we wouldn’t be together now.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** … you make an compelling point

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you can tell them soon

 

**~end of private chat~**

 

 **Minamegatron:** i can’t believe otabek didn’t want to be friends with you anymore, yurio

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** YEAH

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** YOU WOULD DITCH MY SON LIKE THIS??

 

 **YOri:** babe, he’s in this chat

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** idfc

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** OTABEK, COME FIGHT LIKE A MAN

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** it’s true that it’s not cool of him to drop you as a friend because of this

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** almost as uncool as exposing me?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** YES OMG ILL REGRET IT FOREVER

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** OTABEK

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** REPLY

 

 **YOri:** viktor is getting mad, guys

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** GET IN HERE OR I’LL RIP OUT YOUR EYEBALLS ONE BY ONE AND FEED THEM TO CHRISTOPHE

 

 **chrismatic:** what

 

 **Isabella Yang:** not a fan of those type of balls?

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I’m here.

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF

 

 **The Clear Winner:** That there’s a reason Yuri and I aren’t friends anymore.

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** A STUPID REASON

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Ouch.

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** OUCH IS RIGHT

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** IM GOING TO FEED YOUR FLESH TO A gOAT

 

 **The Clear Winner:** The reason we’re not friends anymore is because we’re now in a relationship.

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** OR MAYBE pIRANHAS

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** OR MAYBE ILL JUST bURN YOUR cORPSE

 

 **The Clear Winner:** …

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** …

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** Oh

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** congratulations!!!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** what the fuck viktor

 

**Skating_Jesus left the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** …

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** OMG

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** YOU REALLY FOOLED ME

 

 **YOri:** my heart was beating so fast, im so relieved, oh gosh

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i knew it

 

 **Minamegatron:** HOLy

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** THAT WAS A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** fuck you phichit

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you deserve to be fooled

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** not anymore!!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** not now that my plan _succeeded_

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** now it means you guys owe me

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** someone hold my hoodie

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** im on my way to thailand

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** nO

 

 **guacamole-hong:** i leave for one minute and i miss all of this

 

 **LeYO:** wHAT JUST HAPPENED

 

 **Isabella Yang:**  first rule of group chat

 

 **LeYO:**???

 

 **Isabella Yang:** You don’t leave the group chat.

 

 **Le Roi:** Second rule of group chat.

 

 **Le Roi:** you don’t leave the group chat

 

 **Minamegatron:** congrats guys!!!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IT STILL HASNT ENTIRELY SUNKEN IN THAT THIS IS THE REAL LIFE??? THAT THEY’RE ACTUALLY DATING??? THAT MY SHIP IS SAILING RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES???

  
  
**The Clear Winner:** Get used to it.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** AHHHhhHHHH

 

 **Minamegatron:** wait a second

 

 **Minamegatron:** I just realized

 

 **Minamegatron:** THIS MEANS ME AND CHRIS ARE THE ONLY SINGLE ONES LEFT STANDING

 

 **chrismatic:** o shit

 

 **Minamegatron:** FML

 

 **Le Roi:** how does it feel, chris?

 

 **chrismatic:** ….?

 

 **Le Roi:**  for a fetus to have a better love life than you?

 

 **The Clear Winner:** How does it feel for a fetus to beat you in every competition, JJ?

 

 **YOri:** aaaand he’s back

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO HAPPY FOR MY BABIES, THEY DESERVE HAPPINESS. I was iffy about posting actual writing in this chapter since I'm not as good at writing as I am at making stupid jokes over a fake group chat, but whatever. IM SORRY FOR THE CLIFFHANGER. (Some of you tried to kill me over the comments section.) I almost posted this last night because I have no impulse control but I should probably start spacing out my updates. 
> 
> I really hope that this fic doesn't get less interesting than it used to be, since I don't know how to write relationships very well. Let me know what you think, okay? And again, suggestions are always welcome! ILY.


	13. in which beavers are popular

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a filler.

**YOri:** hope you’re well-rested, because you’re going to be needing every ounce of energy you have tonight ;)

 

 **minamegatron:** um

 

 **minamegatron:** what

 

 **YOri:** OMg

 

 **YOri:** THAT WAS MEANT FOR VIKTOR

 

 **TheSelfieStar:**  YUURI WERE YOU ABOUT TO sEXT HIM

 

 **YOri:** pfFT NO

 

 **chrismatic:** mmm hmm

 

 **chrismatic:**  totally not suspicious at all

 

 **YOri:** TIME TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND diE

 

 **Le Roi:** which hole, exactly?

 

 **Isabella Yang:** viktor’s

 

 **YOri:** sTOP

 

 **YOri:** NO

 

 **YOri:** IM SO EMBARASSED OML CAN WE JUST PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED??

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** sure, don’t worry about it

 

 **YOri:** im so relieved

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** no prob :) what are friends for?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** ha bitch you thought

 

 **YOri:** nO

 

 **YOri:** YURIOO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** sorry yuuri, i tried

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** im posting this on instagram

 

 **YOri:** DONT

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** but i’ll get a billion new followers

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT VIKTOR AND YUURI ARE HUGE ON THE INTERNET?? THEY HAVE THEIR OWN FAN-CLUB DEVOTED TO SHIPPING THEM.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** im pretty sure that we’re their official fan-club

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i don’t ship them though

 

**TheSelfieStar removed TheSelfieSON from the group.**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Remember what happened last time we removed someone from the group?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** stfu it worked out for you in the end

 

**The Clear Winner added TheSelfieSON to the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** damn it beka

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i almost escaped

 

 **LeYO:** I WAS SUMMONED BY YURIO CALLING OTABEK “BEKA”

 

 **Seung-BABoonp:** if that excites you, scroll up

 

 **LeYO:** OH MY GOD

 

 **LeYO:** YUURI IM SO EMBARASSED FOR YOU

 

 **YOri:** YOU COULDNT JUST LET HIM FORGET IT, SEUNG-GIL??

 

 **Seung-BABoonp:** im not a nice person

 

 **Seung-BABoonp:** get over it

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** wow

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** good to know, yuuri

 

 **YOri:** ffs

 

 **YOri:** end me

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** no bb

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i love you

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** we know

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** the sext made it very clear

 

 **YOri:** OKAY FUCK YOU YURIO

 

 **The Clear Winner:** No.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** That’s my job.

 

**TheSelfieSON left the group.**

 

 **LeYO:** this group chat is a whirlwind of emotions today

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** oH

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** woah

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** slow down there, otabek

 

**TheSelfieSON joined the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** for fuck’s sake viktor, it’s called a joke

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** plus im 16

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i can fuck who i want

 

 **LeYO:** not in ‘MERICA

 

 **LeYO:** *eagle caws in the distance*

 

 **guacamole-hong:** babe

 

 **guacamole-hong:** i want you to go look up pictures of an eagle from the front

 

 **guacamole-hong:** and then check how patriotic you are

 

 **LeYO:** why

 

 **guacamole-hong:** just do it

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** the national animal of thailand is an elephant

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** weak

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** russia’s national animal is a bear

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** LONG LIVE RUSSIA

 

 **chrismatic:** i thought bears were canada’s thing

 

 **Le Roi:** WOW OKAY

 

 **Le Roi:** FUK U OUR NATIONAL ANIMAL IS A BEAVER

 

 **chrismatic:** wowie

 

 **chrismatic:** a beaver

 

 **chrismatic:** sign me the fuck up

 

 **Isabella Yang:** isn’t the swiss national animal unoficially a  _cow?_

 

 **chrismatic:** that’s not important right now, isabella

 

 **LeYO:** SO I LOOKED IT UP

 

 **guacamole-hong:** still feeling patriotic?

 

 **LeYO:** THEY LOOK SO SAD N CONFUSED

 

 **LeYO:** I WANT TO HUG ONE

 

 **guacamole-hong:** breaking news, leo wants to hug an eagle

 

 **Le Roi:** americans are weird

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I don’t disagree, but consider the fact that your band literally had to write a song about you, using your _name_ in the _title,_ before calling anyone else weird.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** plus i heard they give out beavers at the canadian border

 

 **minamegatron:** YOU BETTER NOT BE JOKING RN

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** OH MY GOD

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** TO CANADA!!!

 

 **Le Roi:** THEY DONT

 

 **Le Roi:** It’s iLLEGAL GUYS

 

 **Le Roi:** THAT’S ANIMAL TRAFFICKING

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** what happens in canada stays in canada

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated in a few days because I procrastinated and didn't write anything, and then when I finally return I post this shitty filler chapter. O O P S. I promise that the next chapter will be both soon and more eventful than this, I just didn't want you people to think I was dead! TYSM FOR ALL THE LOVELY FEEDBACK LAST CHAPTER, BY THE WAY! YOU'RE THE BEST, SOMETIMES I HAVE TO STOP MYSELF FROM TURNING THE COMMENT SECTION INTO A CHATROOM WITH MY rAMBLING.


	14. in which an event is planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guang-Hong has an idea!

**guacamole-hong:** remember when leo said he wanted to hug an eagle 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** that was a day ago

 

**guacamole-hong:** okay but someone could be amnesic?? you dont know our lives yurio

 

**TheSelfieSON:** everyone posts so much about their personal lives here that i pretty much think i do

 

**TheSelfieStar:** true that 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** every couple that has ever gotten together, gone through drama, or sexted, has done it right here on this group chat

 

**YOri:** CAN WE PLEASE LET THE SEXTING THING GO NOW

 

**YOri:** IT HAPPENS

 

**Le Roi:** let it go… let it go…

 

**TheSelfieSON:** go to a separate hell

 

**guacamole-hong:** GUYS

 

**guacamole-hong:** as fascinating as this is, we’re getting off topic

 

**TheSelfieSON:** i don’t care that leo wants to hug an eagle

 

**The Clear Winner:** If he’d rather hug an eagle than you, maybe it’s time to reconsider your relationship.

 

**guacamole-hong:** wow okay 

 

**Isabella Yang:** “i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now” - guang-hong 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** let him speak, i want to see where this is going

 

**guacamole-hong:** BLESS U VIKTOR

 

**guacamole-hong:** okay 

 

**guacamole-hong:** so i talked this out with leo already although who knows where he is right now 

 

**Le Roi:** probably the strip club

 

**YOri:** STOP HARASSING HIM AND LET HIM SPEAK, PLEASE

 

**Skating_Jesus:** listen to your mother

 

**TheSelfieSON:** i thought he was my mother?

 

**TheSelfieStar:** I like how yurio hates when you guys acts like his parents but the second you act like someone else’s parents he gets jealous

 

**Skating_Jesus:** awww dont worry you’ll always be our favourite child

 

**TheSelfieSON:** you’re not my favourite parents though

 

**Skating_Jesus:** ouch

 

**Skating_Jesus:** my heart

 

**guacamole-hong:** PEOPLE

 

**guacamole-hong:** i was thinking that maybe we could all meet up 

 

**Minamegatron:** OMG YESSSSS

 

**TheSelfieStar:** THAT’S GENIUS WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT

 

**TheSelfieStar:** AS THE FOUNDER OF THIS GROUP I AM CLAIMING THAT IDEA AS MY OWN

 

**guacamole-hong:** um bitch excuse me

 

**Le Roi:** i’ll definitely go

 

**TheSelfieSON:** pfft as if i want to go see you losers

 

**guacamole-hong:** we’ll be going to a zoo tho

 

**guacamole-hong:** zoos are fun! they have gorillas!

 

**TheSelfieSON:** yeah because i totally want to stare at some lame-ass gorillas

 

**TheSelfieSON:** if i wanted to do that i would just skype JJ 

 

**Le Roi:** he’s bullying me

 

**Isabella Yang:** well boo hoo 

 

**Le Roi:** babe :(

 

**Isabella Yang:** im sorry, i didnt mean it

 

**Le Roi:** damn right 

 

**The Clear Winner:** Where is this meetup happening?

 

**guacamole-hong:** we could always change it, but i was thinking someplace in the united states, because leo can’t do international travel unless it’s for a competition  

 

**YOri:** oh no, why??

 

**guacamole-hong:** competition plane tickets are usually payed for, he doesn’t have a few thousand to spend on a ticket somewhere else since he lives on his own 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i see

 

**Minamegatron:** yES

 

**Minamegatron:** WE COULD GO TO FLORIDA

 

**TheSelfieStar:** why florida?

 

**Minamegatron:** BECAUSE THEN WE COULD GO TO DISNEY WORLD

 

**TheSelfieStar:** OMG

 

**Minamegatron:** OMG

 

**TheSelfieStar:** OMG

 

**Minamegatron:** OMG

 

**guacamole-hong:** YOU’RE RIGHT

 

**guacamole-hong:** I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD

 

**TheSelfieSON:** count me out, that place looks like hell

 

**The Clear Winner:** I’m probably going, I have a minor competition in the States soon anyway, I can just stay until you get there. 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** well fuck

 

**TheSelfieSON:** this means i have to go, too

 

**YOri:** you don’t  _ have  _ to

 

**TheSelfieSON:** shut up yes i do 

 

**chrismatic:** IM CUMMING 

 

**YOri:** please stop

 

**guacamole-hong:** instead of confirming if you’re coming, say something if you’re  _ not  _ coming

 

**Seung-BABoon:** im not going to be able to make it

 

**Seung-BABoon:** after i failed at the final last year, my coach isn’t going to let me take a vacation from training until she’s sure i’m flawless

 

**TheSelfieStar:** you’re always flawless

 

**Seung-BABoon:** the results of last year’s competitions say otherwise

 

**TheSelfieStar:** wow okay i tried to have a cute moment there and you just shot me down

 

**TheSelfieStar:** all i wanted was a relationship like viktuuri and then you go and do this

 

**Seung-BABoon:** … sorry 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** im joking, bab!!

 

**TheSelfieStar:** if i wanted a relationship like viktuuri i would have tapped that in college

 

**chrismatic:** how can we be sure you didnt

 

**YOri:** CHRIS 

 

**chrismatic:** im just saying 

 

**YOri:** UNBELieVABLE 

 

**Isabella Yang:** are you honestly still surprised by this 

 

**Isabella Yang:** i’ve been here for about a week and im not surprised anymore 

 

**guacamole-hong:** does that mean seung-gil is the only one who’s not gonna make it?

 

**Minamegatron:** SEUNG-GIL IS DYING???

 

**guacamole-hong:** oml minami keep up with the conversation

 

**YOri:** dont you attack him like this 

 

**The Clear Winner:** I think we’re all coming. 

 

**guacamole-hong:** that’s great!!

 

**guacamole-hong:** for some reason i thought less people were going to be able to make it 

 

**Le Roi:** ikr

 

**Le Roi:** me too

 

**Le Roi:** mostly because i didn’t know yurio was old enough to fly alone

 

**TheSelfieSON:** WHEN I SEE YOU IN FLORIDA, YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD

 

**Le Roi:** O O P S 

 

**Le Roi:** i have made a grave mistake 

 

**Le Roi:** if i die, tell isabella that i love her

 

**Isabella Yang:** i’m in this group, JJ 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter after next is probs going to be the meetup! But I'm not going to be posting writing again, because this is a siLLY STORY and I'm not not so great at funny writing!


	15. in which madness ensues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TOTAL CHAOS AT THE AIRPORT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know, okay.

**Minamegatron:** OH MY GOD GUYS IM SO EXCITED WHEN ARE YOU GETTING HERE

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i… im still at the airport

 

 **Minamegatron:** YAY

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** of _thailand_

 

 **Minamegatron:** :(

 

 **LeYO:** good lord, minami

 

 **LeYO:** i thought we agreed to meet _tomorrow_

 

 **Minamegatron:** but i got so excited that i booked an early flight!!!

 

 **Minamegatron:** so nobody except me is here yet?? :(

 

 **Isabella Yang:** me and JJ arrived half an hour ago

 

 **Isabella Yang:** we’re at the hotel

 

 **Le Roi:** or at least **I** am

 

 **Le Roi:** I can’t fIND HER

 

 **Isabella Yang:** you’ll never find me

 

 **Isabella Yang:** i used my skills as a baker to seamlessly blend into my surroundings

 

 **LeYO:** PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDNT JUST REFERENCE THE STARVING GAMES

 

 **Le Roi:** i want a divorce

 

 **Isabella Yang:** we’re not married yet

 

 **Le Roi:** and it’s going to stay that way until you tell me where you are, woman!

 

 **Minamegatron:** omg isabella

 

 **Minamegatron:** meet me where JJ is

 

 **Isabella Yang:** gotcha

 

 **Le Roi:** i just checked every closet in this dag nab hotel and found _nothing_

 

 **YOri:** me and viktor and yurio are just touching down, see you guys in an hour or so!

 

 **LeYO:** where’s guang-hong??

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** planes dont have wifi, dumbass

 

 **LeYO:** okay but he could call using the power of love

 

 **TheSelfieSON:**  he has no reception

 

 **LeYO:** WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i… i’m still waiting to board my plane

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i feel so left out

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** dont go to disney world without me

 

 **YOri:** awww of course not

 

 **YOri:** we’re going tomorrow!!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** MY PLANE ONLY LANDS TOMORROW AFTERNOON

 

 **LeYO:** it’s not a big deal

 

 **LeYO:** we’ll just meet you at the park

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** thank god you’re the real mvp

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** WHY ARE THERE PICTURES OF US ALL OVER INSTAGRAM

 

 **Le Roi:** excuse me

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** GO CHECK ISABELLA’S FEED

 

 **Le Roi:** …

 

 **Le Roi:** ISABELLA

 

 **Le Roi:** WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE AIRPORT

 

 **Isabella Yang:** running away from your bullshit

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** STOP TAKING PICTURES OF US

 

 **YOri: …** that’s not creepy at all

 

 **LeYO:** oml

 

 **LeYO:** minami’s feed too

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i’ll bash his tiny skull in

 

 **Le Roi:** STOP

 

 **Le Roi:** @my fIANCE AND MINAMI

 

 **Minamegatron:** and we cant stop, and we wont stop

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i cant believe i return to the chat only to to find that isabella and minami have teamed up to stalk us all

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** aleister crowley, im living a charmed life

 

 **Le Roi:** THIS IS BOTHERING ME SO MUCH, IM AT THE AIRPORT AND I CANT FIND YOU

 

 **Isabella Yang:** minami, he’s hot on our trail

 

 **Isabella Yang:** we might need to split up

 

 **Minamegatron:** RED ALERT RED ALERT

 

 **Minamegatron:** A VERY ANGRY YURI PLISETSKY JUST STORMED LIKE 3 INCHES PAST ME AND DIDNT EVEN SEE ME BUT HE’S COMING bACK

 

 **Isabella Yang:** where are you??

 

 **Minamegatron:** WHAT IF HE SEES THIS CHAT THOUGH

 

 **Isabella Yang:** he cant storm and text at the same time

 

 **Minamegatron:** true

 

 **Minamegatron:** im in one of the travel lockers at gate 27

 

 **LeYO:** but… those are tiny

 

 **Minamegatron:** so am i

 

 **Minamegatron:** your point???

 

 **Isabella Yang:** im coming to rescue you, hold on

 

 **Le Roi:** now i know where you are :)

 

 **Isabella Yang:** but you risk running into yurio if you follow us :)

 

 **Le Roi:** so what?

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** he promised to kill you when he saw you last chapter

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** *chat

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** lol i dont know why it keeps doing that

 

 **Le Roi:** … shit

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i dare you to come find me, JJ

 

 **Le Roi:** nOPE

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** cowardIUHDEADKLWJADCWADLKWEJFhjREFERKQPUHDCSGHQDCLKJCWLKMWC?>””

 

 **Le Roi:** what

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** W#UWDYGKIQE

 

 **Minamegatron:** OMG

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** this is wild but i have to board my plane

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i always miss the best stuff

 

 **YOri:** see you soon!!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** QIUDHSQ **@UEQDSHKQJEA**

 

 **Le Roi:** he’s malfunctioning

 

 **Minamegatron:** ISABELLA JUST TACKLED HIM LIKE A PRO FOOTBALLER

 

 **Minamegatron:** THEY’RE ON THE GROUND

 

 **Minamegatron:**!!! WHAT DO I DO ???!!!!

 

 **Le Roi:** DEFEND HER

 

 **Minamegatron:** BUT IM LANKY

 

 **Minamegatron:** SHE HAS LIKE 3 TIMES MY MUSCLE MASS

 

 **Le Roi:** not gonna argue

 

 **Le Roi:** just hide and stop taking pictures

 

 **LeYO:** he just posted a pic of JJ with the most unflattering angle i’ve ever seen

 

 **Le Roi:** the fuck do you mean?? Im always gorgeous

 

 **LeYO:** go look at it

 

 **Le Roi:** …

 

 **Le Roi:** yEESH

 

 **Le Roi:** i look like the before picture in weightwatchers with that double chin

 

 **LeYO:** wait

 

 **LeYO:** how did minami even get _under_ JJ to take the picture???

 

 **Minamegatron:** um

 

 **Minamegatron:** im small

 

 **Le Roi:** MINAMI

 

 **Le Roi:** ARE YOU IN THE fLOOR

 

 **Minamegatron:** … no

 

 **Le Roi:** HOW DID YOU GET IN THE FLOOR OF AN AIRPORT

 

 **Minamegatron:** i tried to hide in a vent

 

 **Minamegatron:** one thing led to another

 

 **Minamegatron:** and now im lost down here

 

 **Le Roi:** how does one get into so much trouble at an _airport_ jesus fuck

 

 **Le Roi:** STOP POSTING PICTURES

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** come to gate 39, JJ, or your girlfriend gets it

 

 **Le Roi:** whAT

 

 **Le Roi:** you little tROLL

 

 **Le Roi:** GIVE HER BACK

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** no

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** she’s being held hostage at gate 39

 

 **Le Roi:** how is this lanky fetus holding my 5’10 girlfriend hostage

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** …

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** prepare for trouble…!

 

**~private message between The Clear Winner and TheSelfieSON~**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I’m not doing it.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** do it

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Why?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** just do it

 

**~end of private message~**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** … and make it double!

 

 **YOri:** PLOT TWIST

 

 **Le Roi:** WHEN DID HE EVEN GET HERE???

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** hi otabek!!!

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Hi, Mr. Nikiforov.

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** my son-in-law is so respectful i swear to god just shut up and have his hand in marriage

 

 **Le Roi:** except for the fact that he’s kIDNAPPED isabella???

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** there’s that

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** water under the bridge

 

 **Le Roi:** IM COMING MY LOVE

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Your love is watching a cat video with Yuri as we speak.

 

 **Le Roi:** I’LL SAVE YOU FROM THE TROLL FETUS

 

 **The Clear Winner:** You’re only making this worse on yourself.

 

 **LeYO:** this is so wild i feel bad for those that can’t be here to witness it firsthand

 

 **YOri:** keep us updated, otabek!

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WILL BE A PART TWO TO THIS CHAPTER, PROBABLY PUBLISHED TOMORROW
> 
> P.S. IF YOU CATCH MY REFERENCE (Viktor says it) FEEL FREE TO SCREAM WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS


	16. in which madness ensues (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ somehow becomes the responsible one.

**The Clear Winner:** Update: Yuri is kicking JJ’s ass.

 

**Minamegatron:** BUT WHERE IS ISABELLA

 

**Minamegatron:** I JUST SAW A BUNCH OF PEOPLE GET OFF THE PLANE AND WE NEED TO TAKE PICTURES OF THEM

 

**Isabella Yang:** just lemme finish this cat video 

 

**Minamegatron:** im beginning to think you dont take our craft as seriously as i do

 

**Isabella Yang:** lies 

 

**Isabella Yang:** lies and slander

 

**Isabella Yang:** i can’t believe my beloved partner in crime would accuse me of this

 

**Le Roi:** did your “beloved” take a beating from a fetus for you??

 

**Isabella Yang:** my beloved wouldn’t have let me get kidnapped in the first place 

 

**Isabella Yang:** because he sticks by me

 

**Le Roi:** YOU RAN AWAY

 

**Isabella Yang:** i wouldnt have run away from my beloved 

 

**Le Roi:** fuck you

 

**Isabella Yang:** maybe later

 

**guacamole-hong:** UM MY HOTEL ROOM IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS

 

**guacamole-hong:** YOU WILL nOT BE DOING FUCKING OF ANY SORT

 

**Minamegatron:** oh shit

 

**Minamegatron:** i just realized

 

**Minamegatron:** im surrounded by couples and christophe

 

**Minamegatron:** im gonna be hearing so many noises at night

 

**chrismatic:** if you think it’s only going to be at night, you would be wrong

 

**TheSelfieStar:** dont worry!!!

 

**TheSelfieStar:** since the bae couldnt make it, i’ll be hanging out with you!!!

 

**Minamegatron:** YAY!!!

 

**Isabella Yang:** are you breaking up with me, beloved??

 

**Minamegatron:** of course not, my darling

 

**Isabella Yang:** i have been kidnapped by my evil husband-to-be

 

**Isabella Yang:** it is your job to stop the wedding before he succeeds in his evil plan

 

**Minamegatron:** okay ily bb <3 <3 

 

**Le Roi:** she’s not allowed to talk to minami anymore because im #jealous

 

**Isabella Yang:** we will meet again in another life

 

**Minamegatron:** until then 

 

**Le Roi:** honey

 

**Le Roi:** he’s gay 

 

**Isabella Yang:** is he gay or european?

 

**Isabella Yang:** nvm we’re from the same country and i know from a fact that it isn’t in europe 

 

**Le Roi:** we’re going to the hotel now, see you guys there!

 

**Minamegatron:** GUYS NO 

 

**Isabella Yang:** ???

 

**Minamegatron:** IM STILL TRAPPED IN THE FLOOR

 

**Isabella Yang:** OH MY GOD

 

**Isabella Yang:** WHY DIDNT YOU SAY ANYTHING

 

**Minamegatron:** I DIDN’T WANT TO RUIN OUR MOMENT 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** okay me and otabek are leaving, i cant deal with this bullshit anymore

 

**The Clear Winner:** If you need help getting him out of the floor, call for help.

 

**Minamegatron:** bye guys!!!

 

**Minamegatron:** hurry, isabella

 

**Minamegatron:** it’s dusty and dark down here

 

**Isabella Yang:** okay im coming, tell me where you are

 

**Minamegatron:** ….

 

**Minamegatron:** i dont know

 

**Isabella Yang:** shit

 

**Isabella Yang:** look around and tell me what you see

 

**Minamegatron:** i

 

**Minamegatron:** see

 

**Minamegatron:** a 

 

**Minamegatron:** FLOOR

 

**Isabella Yang:** oh, right

 

**Isabella Yang:** okay, i have a plan

 

**Le Roi:** RUNNING THROUGH THE AIRPORT SCREAMING MINAMI’S NAME ISNT A PLAN

 

**YOri:** omg

 

**YOri:** is that what she did

 

**Le Roi:** SHE’S STILL DOING IT

 

**Isabella Yang:** i found him though 

 

**Isabella Yang:** im going to try to pry this vent open, brb

 

~~~

 

**LeYO:** what happened to you guys??? you’re not at the hotel???

 

**Le Roi:** airport security showed up when isabella started kicking the wall ventilation 

 

**Le Roi:** i’m waiting to see if they’re going to be criminally charged

 

**LeYO:** jesus christ

 

**LeYO:** are you kidding me??

 

**LeYO:** whose crappy idea was this

 

**guacamole-hong:** OURS 

 

**LeYO:** oh yeah 

 

**~~~**

 

**Minamegatron:** NO CRIMINAL CHARGES!!!

 

**Isabella Yang:** because i didnt actually break anything

 

**Isabella Yang:** so in the end, it all worked out 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** is this a bad time to tell you me and otabek are currently in the airport holding jail

 

**Le Roi:** …

 

**Le Roi:** wHAT??

 

**TheSelfieSON:** yeah

 

**TheSelfieSON:** i apparently “tried to steal luggage” 

 

**The Clear Winner:** You did try to steal luggage. 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** okay but i didnt “resist arrest”

 

**The Clear Winner:** You punched the police officer in the face, Yuri.

 

**TheSelfieSON:** that’s resisting arrest? 

 

**The Clear Winner:** YES.

 

**Le Roi:** this is so stressful 

 

**Le Roi:** i never planned on being the responsible one, when did this happen

 

**chrismatic:** dont worry, i can go bail them out!

 

**Le Roi:** … no

 

**Le Roi:** im pretty sure you’re not wearing underwear

 

**Le Roi:** what if they pat you down

 

**chrismatic:** then it’ll be the pat down of a lifetime for the officer

 

**The Clear Winner:** Please don’t let him bail us out.

 

**Le Roi:** you guys kidnapped my girlfriend

 

**Le Roi:** why should i bail you out?

 

**The Clear Winner:** Because they’re asking us if we had any accomplices and I’m prepared to say Jean-Jacques Leroy. 

 

**Le Roi:** on my way

 

~~~

 

**Le Roi:** OKAY

 

**Le Roi:** SO

 

**Le Roi:** IS EVERYONE OUT OF THE AIRPORT AND AT THE HOTEL

 

**Seung-BABoon:** um

 

**Seung-BABoon:** suddenly glad i couldn’t make it

 

**Le Roi:** shit

 

**Le Roi:** PHICHIT’S NOT HERE   
  


**Le Roi:** IF HE’S BEEN ARRESTED TOO, SO HELP ME

 

**Isabella Yang:** chill, babe

 

**Isabella Yang:** he took a late flight, he’s only getting here tomorrow

 

**YOri:** … you guys really got JJ to the end of his rope 

 

**Le Roi:** YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN I JUST SAY THAT IM THRILLED BY THE AMOUNT OF CARRY ON FANS THAT READ THIS STORY?? I WAS LEGIT SO EXCITED READING YOUR COMMENTS AND SCREAMING ABOUT IT WITH YOU GUYS, IT'S MY REASON FOR LIVING AND BREATHING. 
> 
> On a much chiller note, this was a short chapter (since it was part two of the previous one!) but the next one will be the end of this airport madness. Leave me comments, I love them so much!!


	17. in which otabek fights pluto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang goes to disney!

**TheSelfieStar:** i just landed, heading back to the hotel to stow my stuff and I’ll meet you at disney world in about an hour and a half

 

 **Minamegatron:** IM SO EXCITED TO GO TO DISNEY

 

 **Minamegatron:** IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET ALL THE PRINCESSES

 

 **Minamegatron:** I EVEN HAVE ONE OF THOSE PRINCESS AUTOGRAPH BOOKS AND IM NOT LEAVING UNTIL I HAVE EVERY SINGLE SIGNATURE

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** … you’re such a sunshine

 

 **YOri:** im jealous that my dedication will never measure up to minami’s

 

 **Le Roi:** take your time phichit

 

 **Le Roi:** we haven’t even left the zoo yet

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** you were supposed to leave an hour ago???

 

 **YOri:** YURIO DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** let him and his boyfriend have his moment

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** the last time i saw him this happy was when JJ kept falling during his grand prix performance

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** let me guess

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** he wont leave the tiger enclosure

 

 **LeYO:** you say that like it’s funny

 

 **YOri:** he’s currently inside the tiger enclosure, thankyouverymuch

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** WHAT

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** omg phichit it was so cute

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** we got to the zoo and apparently otabek had secretly bought a VIP pass that allows you to help the zoo staff feed the tigers

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** AWWW

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** he literally cried

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i did not

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i am a man and i fed these tigers with dignity

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** HE CRIED OMG

 

 **The Clear Winner:** You would be crying if someone bought you a ticket to feed the hamsters.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** @seung-gil this could be us but you playing

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** im too socially detached to be playing

 

 **YOri:** UPDATE: WE’RE LEAVING THE ZOO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** OMG SEE YOU AT DISNEY

 

 **YOri:** SEE YOU

 

***

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** is it my imagination or did i just pass viktor and yuuri making out under the disney sign

 

 **chrismatic:** it’s not your imagination

 

 **chrismatic:** if someone had told me this trip would be 90% couples making out, i would have brought someone along

 

 **chrismatic:** i feel like such a third wheel hurry up and get here phichit

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** where’s minami??

 

 **chrismatic:** he’s busy searching for the princesses

 

 **Minamegatron:** YOU LAUGH AT ME BUT PRINCESS AURORA JUST CALLED ME ADORABLE

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** im so jealous

 

 **Minamegatron:** THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF  MY LIFE

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** it’s not 90% couples making out

 

 **chrismatic:** 80% couples making out

 

 **chrismatic:** 20% anarchy

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** has anyone thrown up on a ride yet?

 

 **chrismatic:** otabek :)

 

 **The Clear Winner:** That wasn’t a ride.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** It was a death trap.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** OMG IM DYING

 

 **The Clear Winner:** There’s no shame in my body’s reaction to scary stuff.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** that’s what you think

 

 **The Clear Winner:** You’re the one who made me go!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i didn’t know the rock’n’roller coaster was going to make you hurl

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** I THOUGHT YOU LIKED AEROSMITH

 

 **The Clear Winner:** BUT I DONT LIKE PLUMMETING TO MY DEATH.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** … are you feeling okay??

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** holy shit yurio

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** what did you do to him

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I feel fine now, why?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** YOU JUST SPELLED ‘DONT’ WITHOUT AN APOSTRAPHE

 

 **The Clear Winner:** So what? None of you ever use punctuation.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** BUT PUNCTUATION’S YOUR THING

 

 **The Clear Winner:** It is?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** YES

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i dont even know you anymore

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** dont touch me

 

 **Minamegatron:** i don’t mean to alarm anyone but i don’t know where i am

 

 **LeYO:** I CALLED IT

 

 **LeYO:** PAY UP GUANG

 

 **guacamole-hong:** DAMN IT MINAMI

 

 **Minamegatron:** …

 

 **LeYO:** someone always gets lost at disney world

 

 **LeYO:** me and guang were betting on who would be the first

 

 **Minamegatron:** sorry guang :(

 

 **Minamegatron:** okay let’s all meet at the gates so that we can go on some rides together!

 

 **Minamegatron:** and if anyone sees Snow White, kidnap her for me please and thank you

 

*******

 

 **Minamegatron:** WHERE??? ARE??? YOU???

 

 **YOri:** THE OTHERS ARE TRYING TO PRY OTABEK OFF OF PLUTO

 

 **Minamegatron:** …

 

 **Minamegatron:** i leave for one second

 

 **Minamegatron:** ONE SECOND

 

 **Minamegatron:** AND I MISS THIS??

 

 **YOri:** we were taking a picture with pluto and mickey and pluto started flirting with yurio and one thing led to another and suddenly pluto is tackling otabek and otabek is trying to place a curse on pluto and his family

 

 **Le Roi:** im pretty sure yurio left to get snacks halfway through the fight

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** I DID NOT

 

 **Le Roi:** i didnt hear your big mouth running

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i was in shock

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** it’s not everyday your boyfriend and pluto the dog start fighting over you

 

 **Le Roi:** fair enough

 

 **Minamegatron:** is otabek okay tho?? dogs have big teeth?? they’re dangerous!!

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** um excuse me

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** dogs are god’s gift to man

 

 **Minamegatron:** you’re biased because you have a dog

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** you’re biased because you DON’T have a dog

 

 **Minamegatron:** wow ive been convinced

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** phichit he’s bullying me

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i lean more towards hamsters, myself

 

 **YOri:** we knew that

 

 **YOri:** we literally all knew that

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** you knew me in college stfu

 

 **Minamegatron:** i’ve known you for about a week and i know that

 

 **Isabella Yang:** same

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** FFFFF LISTEN HERE FOLKS I DIDNT COME TO DISNEY WORLD TO BE ATTACKED LIKE THIS

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** wait

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** phichit, are you a… cat person?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** NO

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** oh, thank god

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i didnt want to have to break up with you

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** don’t worry bab, i would never touch a cat

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** well fuck you too

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** just to make sure, you’re a cat person, right otabek?

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I’m not one for pets.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** but if you HAD to choose

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I just fought a dog at a theme park.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** What do YOU think?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i was just checking

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** anyone who is a dog person isn’t allowed to be my friend

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** BUT WHYYYY

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** because cats are the best

 

 **YOri:** if you like cats so much, we can drop you off at Best Friends Pet Care and go on more rides

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** but then who would be there to make sure otabek doesn’t throw up all over you?

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating, I was at my father's house without a computer! Now I have a friend staying over (again) for a week, so probably not many more updates... but I'll try, be patient with me. Thank you so much for all the comments!


	18. in which phichit is almost kidnapped by a disney princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read the title of the chapter.

**TheSelfieStar:** guys 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** if im not back at the hotel in ten minutes, call the police

 

**Le Roi:** why???

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i think im being stalked by snow white

 

**Le Roi:** pics or it didn’t happen

 

**TheSelfieStar:** [helpme.jpg]

 

**Le Roi:** holy shit 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i keep seeing her everywhere i go?? and she tried to talk to me like 3 times but so far i’ve managed to escape every time

 

**Minamegatron:** i cant believe she called me cute only to stalk another boy

 

**YOri:** you dont even like girls, minami

 

**Minamegatron:** but still

 

**TheSelfieStar:** GYUS

 

**Isabella Yang:** “gyus”

 

**TheSelfieStar:** I STARTED RUNNING AND SHE STARTED RUNNING AFTER ME

 

**TheSelfieStar:** SHE TRIPPED OVER HER DRESS THO SO I GOT AWAY

 

**Isabella Yang:** a gentleman would have helped her up

 

**TheSelfieStar:** IM TOO BUSY rUNNING 

 

**Isabella Yang:** wimp

 

**TheSelfieSON:** do you need me to fight her?

 

**Le Roi:** oh no

 

**Le Roi:** yurio’s going to tackle snow white using all 90 pounds of his body mass

 

**TheSelfieSON:** i’m 98 pounds, shithead

 

**Le Roi:** i sTAND CORRECTED

 

**YOri:** EVERYBODY STOP TRYING TO FIGHT THE DISNEY MASCOTS!!

 

**The Clear Winner:** This is only the second time, technically.

 

**YOri:** IN TWO DAYS

 

**TheSelfieStar:** im legit so scared right now

 

**Skating_Jesus:** ooooh, snow white, so scary

 

**The Clear Winner:** Are her lips as red as a rose… or as red as something else?

 

**TheSelfieStar:** STOP

 

**The Clear Winner:** Legend has it that Disney’s Snow White drinks the blood of her victims, giving her lips the red tint.

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i sWEAR

 

**TheSelfieStar:** im gonna cry im gonna cry she’s calling my name

 

**TheSelfieStar:** HOW DOES SHE KNOW MY NAME??

 

**Minamegatron:** PHICHIT ARE YOU OKAY??

 

**TheSelfieStar:** NO WHATDOIDO

 

**Minamegatron:** RUN!!!

 

**TheSelfieStar:** I TRAPPED MYSELF IN A STORAGE CLOSET

 

**TheSelfieSON:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

***

 

**YOri:** phichit?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** im worried about him

 

**YOri:** me too, he’s not picking up his phone

 

**Minamegatron:** omg

 

**Minamegatron:** did he actually get kidnapped by snow white

 

**Minamegatron:** I THOUGHT HE WAS JOKING

 

**YOri:** if he doesnt reply in the next five minutes im calling the police

 

***

 

**TheSelfieStar:** IM HERE AND IM QUEER

 

**Skating_Jesus:** THANK GOD

 

**Skating_Jesus:** YUURI WAS JUST STARTING TO DIAL THE POLICE STATION

 

**TheSelfieStar:** thanks for having my back bro

 

**YOri:** you’re my world bro

 

**Skating_Jesus:** fuck you 

 

**YOri:** later

 

**chrismatic:** my homeboy just accidentally scored

 

**Skating_Jesus:** hell yeah i did im a stud

 

**YOri:** a stud who hasn’t washed his pants in a week

 

**chrismatic:** vIKTOR 

 

**chrismatic:** EW

 

**Skating_Jesus:** you would call me out like this

 

**YOri:** if you put your clothes in the hamper like i asked, i wouldn’t have to

 

**TheSelfieSON:** this is disgustingly domestic

 

**TheSelfieSON:** if me and otabek ever get that way, murder me

 

**Skating_Jesus:** my babies are planning longterm confirmed <3 <3 <3

 

**TheSelfieStar:** is nobody going to ask how i escaped the clutches of snow white??

 

**YOri:** how did you escape the clutches of snow white?

 

**TheSelfieStar:** IT WASN’T SNOW WHITE

 

**Skating_Jesus:** dun dun dun 

 

**Isabella Yang:** phichit honey… she’s a mascot…

 

**TheSelfieStar:** YES BUT SHE WASNT THE MASCOT

 

**YOri:** then who was she?

 

**TheSelfieStar:** THINK

 

**TheSelfieStar:** WHO ELSE HAS HAIR AS DARK AS EBONY AND SKIN AS WHITE AS SNOW

 

**Isabella Yang:** ur mum

 

**TheSelfieStar:** wRONG

 

**Seung-BABoon:** …

 

**Seung-BABoon:** “skin as white as snow”

 

**Seung-BABoon:** im not  _ that  _ pale

 

**YOri:** …

 

**YOri:** OH MY GOD

 

**TheSelfieStar:** IKR

 

**YOri:** WELCOME TO DISNEY SEUNG-GIL

 

**TheSelfieStar:** MY BF CAME TO SURPRISE ME <3

 

**YOri:** relationship goals!!!  
  


**The Clear Winner:** *Stalks his significant other while cross dressing at an international tourist attraction* *is somehow relationship goals*

 

**Seung-BABoon:** you’re just jealous that you didn’t think of it first

 

**Minamegatron:** need me a man like seung-gil!!

 

**The Clear Winner:**  I’m confused.

 

**Le Roi:** we all are, my dude

 

**chrismatic:** speaking of couples

 

**chrismatic:** where are leo and guang-hong? 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** probably doing stuff

 

**chrismatic:** ???

 

**Skating_Jesus:** s t u f f

 

**chrismatic:** OH

 

**chrismatic:** stuff 

 

**chrismatic:** ;) 

 

**LeYO:** i WISH

 

**LeYO:** we’re actually trying to get eeyore's autograph 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** “trying”???

 

**LeYO:** he doesn’t have thumbs

 

**LeYO:** so it’s proving to be more difficult than we thought 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG BUT MY FRIEND IS LEAVING IN TWO DAYS SO SOON I'LL BE BACK TO MY USUAL UPDATE SCHEDULE 
> 
> I LOVE ALL YOUR COMMENTS SO MUCH??? THEY MAKE MY DAY AND IT'S REALLY HELPED ME WITH A LOT OF THINGS. EVEN IF I DON'T REPLY TO EVERYONE, I PROMISE THAT I APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE ONE MORE THAN I CAN SAY.


	19. in which disney on ice happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OKAY THESE TITLES ARE PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY, PEOPLE.

**Minamegatron:** GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS

 

 **YOri:** the day before we go home?

 

 **Minamegatron:** stop no im going to cry

 

 **Minamegatron:** i meant… DISNEY ON ICE IS TODAY!!!

 

 **guacamole-hong:** HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY FORGOT

 

 **Minamegatron:** HOW?? IT WAS MY REASON FOR COMING

 

 **chrismatic:** i thought your reason for coming was meeting the princesses

 

 **Minamegatron:** yeah but when snow white turned out to be a crossdresser, the dream died

 

 **chrismatic:** look what you did seung-gil

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** why do we even want to go to some peasant ice show, anyway? we’re professional skaters, the whimsey is gone.

 

 **Minamegatron:** SHUSH YOUR FACE MISTER

 

 **Minamegatron:** IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO PERFORM IN AN ICE SHOW

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** WHAT A COINCIDENCE

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO PUT ON AN ICE SHOW!!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** please no

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** theoretically speaking

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** who would be in my ice show

 

 **YOri:** obviously me

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** ilysm bro

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i would love to be in an ice show!!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you better hurry up then phichit, before viktor gets too old

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** IM NOT EVEN THAT OLD

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you’re pushing 30

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** DONT REMIND ME

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** dont worry, i bet you can attach skates to a wheelchair

 

**Skating_Jesus left the group.**

 

**YOri added Skating_Jesus to the group.**

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** I dont want to be in a dumb ice show

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** what if you got to be the antagonist and wear a cape??

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** THAT would change things

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I don’t know… I would probably be in it.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** YEAH BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** I’m not sure, personally

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** you have to be in it

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** it’s rule #36 the bae-handbook

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** can someone tell me where I can buy this bae-handbook?

 

 **YOri:** viktor can!

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck

 

***

 

 **Minamegatron:** ohmygod im hyperventilating

 

 **Minamegatron:** THEY’RE SETTING UP AT THE RINK GUYS

 

 **Minamegatron:** HURRY UP AND GET HERE

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** i have arrived, bitches

 

 **Minamegatron:** DO NOT BLASPHEME AT DISNEY ON ICE

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** who wants to hear me blaspheme?

 

 **Minamegatron:** nobody

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** on a scale of 1 to 10, who’s the thickest disney character?

 

 **The Clear Winner:** “Thick”?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** you’re embarrassing me

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** please learn how to internet

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Learn how to land more quads.

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** ouch

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** this is my first time being burned by you

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** personally, i think gaston is pretty thick

 

 **YOri:** GASTON IS THICK WITH 3 Cs

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** THICCC

 

 **guacamole-hong:** when i was little, i had my one and only straight crush on belle

 

 **Minamegatron:** I love belle omg

 

 **Minamegatron:** the music in that movie was <3 <3 <3

 

 **Isabella Yang:** if we’re naming thicc beauty and the beast characters, I would like to suggest lumiere

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** … is that the creepy talking candle?

 

 **Isabella Yang:** CANDELABRA, YOU UNEDUCATED SWINE

 

 **Le Roi:** what the hell is attractive about that dildo-wannabe

 

 **Isabella Yang:** I like french guys <3

 

 **Le Roi:** <3

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** is JJ even french???

 

 **Le Roi:** quebec is in canada

 

 **Le Roi:** i am from canada

 

 **Le Roi:** therefore, i am french

 

 **YOri:** … i don’t think that’s how it works

 

 **Le Roi:** OH MY GOD LITERALLY SHUT UP GUYS

 

 **Isabella Yang:** and girls

 

 **Le Roi:** @yurio

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** shut the fuck up

 

 **Minamegatron:** OMG OMG OMG THE LIGHTS ARE DIMMING THE LIGHTS ARE dIMMING AHHHHHH

 

 **The Clear Winner:** You know what else is dim?

 

 **Minamegatron:** NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR A ROAST

 

 **Minamegatron:** EVERYONE PUT YOUR PHONES AWAY PUT THEM awAY

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** the little girl next to me is 1000 times chiller than minami right now

 

 **Minamegatron:** SHUSH YOUR GOSH DARNED FACE

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking... something along the lines of "WHY THE FUCKING FUCC IS SHE RETURNING FROM A TWO-WEEK PERIOD OF NO UPDATES WITH THIS SHORT-N-SHITTY CHAPTER???" The answer for that would probably be that I was sort of going through writer's block and started procrastinating? I'm really sorry, I'll try to do better. 
> 
> Also, thanks for all the feedback last chapter! Remember that suggestions for future chapters are VERY appreciated! (guyspleaseineedinspiration)


	20. in which yurio needs to keep his hands to himself (in the most innocent way)

**Skating_Jesus:** sorry we had to leave early! How was the rest of disney on ice? 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** _ HAD  _ to?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** yes

 

**Skating_Jesus:** it was a matter of life or death

 

**LeYO:** i seem to recall you asking yuuri if he wanted to “blow this popsicle stand”

 

**Skating_Jesus:** that’s perfectly normal

 

**LeYO:** YOU WERE LITERALLY dRESSED AS A POPSICLE

 

**Skating_Jesus:** the disney gift shop is lit, that’s all STOP ACCUSING ME OF THESE SINS

 

**guacamole-hong:** never say the word “lit” again

 

**guacamole-hong:** you have a russian accent

 

**TheSelfieSON:** fuck yourself

 

**LeYO:** mmm nOPE that’s my job

 

**Skating_Jesus:** anyway, did we miss anything?

 

**Minamegatron:** THE SHOW WAS SO GREAT

 

**TheSelfieSON:** no it fucking wasn’t

 

**The Clear Winner:** I liked it, personally.

 

**TheSelfieSON:** this is betrayal of the worst kind

 

**TheSelfieSON:** i thought i could trust you otabek, but i was wrong

 

**The Clear Winner:** Okay, but technically, I can’t tell you if I liked it, since I didn’t get to see the whole thing. 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** … you got me there

 

**Skating_Jesus:** what happened???

 

**Isabella Yang:** OKAY OKAy SO THERE WAS A POINT WHEN THEY ASKED FOR KIDS FROM THE AUDIENCE TO VOLUNTEER, RIGHT? 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** shut your fucking mouth hag

 

**Isabella Yang:** AND EVERY CHILD WAS sCREAMING

 

**Isabella Yang:** BUT THEN ALADDIN SAW YURIO SINCE WE WERE RIGHT IN THE FRONT ROW

 

**Isabella Yang:** AND HE WAS LIKE “how about this little girl? Do you want to volunteer, sweetie?” 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** oH MY gOD

 

**The Clear Winner:** He didn’t like it, obviously. 

 

**Le Roi:** needless to say they had to end the Aladdin portion of the show early and escort him out after he jumped onto the ice and challenged the aladdin to a jump battle

 

**Skating_Jesus:** …

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i don’t understand what we did as parents to make you this way

 

**TheSelfieSON:** WHAT? THAT CARPET-BURNT BITCH CAN PATRONIZE ME, BUT DOESN’T HAVE THE BALLS TO ACTUALLY FIGHT IT OUT ON THE ICE?

 

**YOri:** it was disney on ice

 

**YOri:** im pretty sure he couldnt

 

**TheSelfieSON:** pshaw, it probably made his career. being a disney mascot would be boring as fuck

 

**Minamegatron:** but this means we’re leaving tomorrow :( 

 

**YOri:** :( 

 

**guacamole-hong:** :( 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** hallelujah 

 

**Le Roi:** admit it, you’re going to miss us! 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** hell to the no

 

**Isabella Yang:** i’m going to miss you guys

 

**Isabella Yang:** i’ve never hung out with any of you before, so it was fun

 

**Minamegatron:** I’LL MISS YOU MY LOVE 

 

**Isabella Yang:** i’ll miss minami most of all 

 

**Le Roi:** OUCH

 

**Isabella Yang:** I LIVE WITH YOU, YOU EGG

 

**Le Roi:** oh right

 

**Le Roi:** :) 

 

**Le Roi:** can you guys believe Isabella Yang lives with me?? 

 

**Le Roi:** like, she chose  _ me  _

 

**Le Roi:** M E

 

**TheSelfieSON:** it truly is shocking 

 

**Le Roi:** you’re just in a bad mood because this means youre not going to see your otabae for a while

 

**TheSelfieSON:** we’ll see each other at competitions

 

**The Clear Winner:** But Russia and Kazakhstan don’t go to the same competitions.

 

**TheSelfieSON:** THAT’S SO STUPID THO

 

**TheSelfieSON:** RUSSIA AND KAZAKHSTAN ARE BOTH MOSTLY IN ASIA, SO WHY IS IT ONLY KAZAKHSTAN THAT QUALIFIES FOR ASIAN COMPETITIONS??? 

 

**The Clear Winner:** I know, it’s not good. 

 

**The Clear Winner:** But Almaty isn’t far from Moscow, so I could come visit, if it would be okay with Viktor and Yuuri? 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** YOURE WELCOME ANYTIME

 

**Skating_Jesus:** A N Y 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** T I M E

 

**TheSelfieSON:** don’t do it, they’re embarrassing and the walls are thin

 

**TheSelfieSON:** i always hear stuff at night

 

**chrismatic:** at night?

 

**TheSelfieSON:** and in the morning

 

**TheSelfieSON:** and in the afternoon

 

**TheSelfieSON:** and pretty much every time of the day

 

**The Clear Winner:** We would get to see how they feel when the foot’s on the other shoe, then.

 

**guacamole-hong:** OH MY GOD YOU DIDN’T

 

**guacamole-hong:** and also im pretty sure you didnt say that correctly

 

**The Clear Winner:** English is weird, don’t question it. 

 

**TheSelfieSON has left the group.**

 

**Le Roi:** i’m noticing that he leaves whenever he’s embarrassed

 

***

 

**Skating_Jesus:** … and then i said, ‘just because it’s looking at you through the window doesn’t mean it’s asking you to help it escape!’

 

**TheSelfieSON has rejoined the group.**

 

**The Clear Winner:** Oh, hello.

 

**TheSelfieSON:** hey, sorry i left

 

**The Clear Winner:** It’s fine, Viktor was just regaling us with the story of the time you tried to break into someone’s house and kidnap their cat. 

 

**The Clear Winner:** You’re a bit of a kleptomaniac. As much as it pains me to say this, you need to keep your hands to yourself more. 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** … kidnap?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** I THINK YOU MEAN  _ CATNAP _

 

**guacamole-hong:** you make me want to suicide myself

 

**LeYO:** you have got to be kitten me

 

**YOri:** STOP 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** we’re not doing it on purrpose, i swear!

 

**YOri:** V I K T O R

 

**Skating_Jesus:** are you furr real? 

 

**YOri changed his name to katsudone.**

 

**katsudone:** kms, brb

 

**Skating_Jesus:** katsudont do it

 

**katsudone blocked Skating_Jesus.**

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Validate me by leaving a comment! One user in particular commented a LOT of times while they were reading it last chapter, and let me just say that I really appreciated it? You probably know who you are. 
> 
> 2\. shameless self promotion here, but go check out my otayuri one shot my dudes
> 
> 3\. I've never been to Disney World or Disney on Ice, so if I screwed it up, let me know! (Let's just pretend they ask for volunteers, okay? For the sake of the story.)
> 
> 4\. ALSO WHEN DID MY rEADERS BECOME SUCH SMART-ASSES OH MY GOD GUYS. I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. LAST CHAPTER I GOT A LOT OF COMMENTS ABOUT MY "seung-gill" TYPO LIKE "oh he's a fish now?" YOU'RE THE BEST


	21. in which leo and guang hong fight

**TheSelfieStar:** im so bored guys

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** its been 3 days and im s o bored

 

 **LeYO:** phichit

 

 **LeYO:** we’re right next door

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** oh yeah

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i forgot that I don’t live in hotel rooms

 

 **LeYO:** you can come over, im lonely

 

 **guacamole-hong:** this is what i fucking meant, leo

 

 **LeYO:** you can’t just ignore me and then get mad at me for being bored

 

 **katsudone:** … are you okay?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** they’re fighting

 

 **LeYO:** no we’re not

 

 **guacamole-hong:** yes we are

 

 **katsudone:** why are you fighting? i thought you guys were the chill relationship??

 

 **guacamole-hong:** BECAUSE LEO DOESNT KNOW HOW MUCH IS TOO CHILL

 

 **LeYO:** bb please

 

**~private message between TheSelfieStar and katsudone~**

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** guang hong is pissed because leo is always flirting with other ppl

 

 **katsudone:** he is???

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** not on purpose

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** thats just his personality

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** but guang hong got mad after he cradled a fan in his arms and called him “babygirl”

 

 **katsudone:** what

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** idk, i think its an american thing

 

**~end of private message~**

 

 **LeYO:** OH SO U CAN GET MARRIED TO JABBA THE HUT BUT I CANT SAY THAT I WOULD LET LUKE SKYWALKER RIP MY DICK OFF???

 

 **Minamegatron:** …

 

 **Minamegatron:** whenever i go on this chat i feel like i missed something

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** this looks like a job for a relationship guru

 

 **guacamole-hong:** i already texted otabek

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i’m gonna let that go because i know it’s the anger speaking

 

 **LeYO:** please bab

 

 **LeYO:** i didnt mean it

 

 **LeYO:** youre my one and only babygirl

 

 **guacamole-hong:** STOP TRYING TO JOKE YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS

 

 **LeYO:** … but… i use humor as a defensive mechanism…

 

 **guacamole-hong:** UGH

 

 **katsudone:** in all seriousness, you guys should try talking it out somewhere other than the group chat

 

 **katsudone:** im saying this as someone who knows what it’s like to bottle your issues

 

 **LeYO:** guang hong, pls crawl out from under jj’s bed and come to my room

 

 **guacamole-hong:** how did u know where i was

 

 **LeYO:** i can hear the sounds of jj reading you their text messages

 

 **guacamole-hong:** … im only coming because i cant take much more of this

 

**~~~**

 

 **Le Roi:** i was nOT reading him our text messages

 

 **The Clear Winner:** That is a lie.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** You show everyone your text messages.

 

 **Le Roi:**??? no ???

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Remember the time I asked to borrow your phone and it was ‘accidentally’ open to your texts with Isabella?

 

 **Le Roi:** IT _WAS_ ACCIDENTAL

 

 **The Clear Winner:** You did it three times before I just borrowed someone else’s phone.

 

 **Le Roi:** is it so wrong to feel pride in my relationship???

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** there is a healthy level of pride and then there is a jj level of pride

 

 **Le Roi:** wow okay

 

 **Le Roi:** i vote that we add some new skaters so that everyone will stop targetting me

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** they would probably target you too

 

 **Le Roi:** THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE WEIRDER THAN ME

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** what is we added Michele Crispino?

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** he’s pretty targetable

 

 **The Clear Winner:** He would just turn it into something about his sister.

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** true true

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** sorry jj

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** it’s not our fault all skaters are amazing

 

**~~~**

 

 **LeYO:** YO YO YO WE WORKED IT OUT

 

 **LeYO:** SHOUTOUT TO MY MAIN HOMIE YURI KATSUKI FOR SAVING MY MARRIAGE

 

 **guacamole-hong:** we’ve been dating for a month

 

 **LeYO:** happy one month and 2 days anniversary

 

 **guacamole-hong:** i lied im breaking up with you

 

 **LeYO:** so you want me to pay attention to you and then rEJECT ME

 

 **chrismatic:** DID SOMEBODY SAY ERECT

 

 **LeYO:** i said rEJECT

 

 **chrismatic:** close enough

 

 **LeYO:** there are minors in this chat

 

 **LeYO:** _minors_

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** IM NOT EVEN A MINOR IN MOST PLACES

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** SHOVE YOUR AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE UP YOUR DICK

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** who taught you this vulgarity

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** my grandpa

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** otherwise known by the name of viktor nikiforov

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** IS THIS BECAUSE OF MY GREY HAIR

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** this is because of your wrinkly face

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** yuuri catch me

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** better do it

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** if you let him fall he’ll break a hip

 

**Skating_Jesus has left the group.**

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM THE WORST BECAUSE I HAVE NO BETA AND NOBODY TO REMIND ME TO WRITE. IF WE DIE WE DIE LIKE MEN. 
> 
> On another note, I have a new YOI tumblr (@yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy)!!! I used to have a snowbaz one that was popular but I started only posting YOI stuff so... Come scream with me there! Thank you!


	22. in which everybody WASN'T kung-fu fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a party, bring your poles!

**LeYO:** you know what we should do?

 

**The Clear Winner:** Train for upcoming competitions because we’re professional athletes and I don’t remember the last time this so called ‘ _ skating groupchat’  _ was used for anything even remotely skate-related?

 

**LeYO:** wrong

 

**LeYO:** we should throw a party

 

**Skating_Jesus:** will there be alcohol?

 

**LeYO:** yeah

 

**Skating_Jesus:** me and yuuri will be there

 

**katsudone:** im not drinking though

 

**Skating_Jesus:** then what would even be the point???

 

**chrismatic:** i’ll bring a pole!! It willl be just like the banquet!!

 

**The Clear Winner:** How does one “bring” a pole somewhere?

 

**chrismatic:** a magician never reveals his secrets 

 

**LeYO:** OKAY IT’S HAPPENING

 

**LeYO:** YOU’RE ALL CORDIALLY INVITED TO A PARTY

 

**katsudone:** hate to be the buzzkill here, but where are we having this party?? We’re in hotels

 

**LeYO:** IN THE HOTEL PARTY PLACEY PLACE 

 

**guacamole-hong:** leo do you even have the money to rent that placey place

 

**LeYO:** YES I DO, WTF GUANG

 

**LeYO:** IT’S IN MY BUDGET AS LONG AS ALL I EAT FOR THE NEXT MONTH IS INSTANT NOODLES

 

**LeYO:** IT’LL BE FINE 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** WHOOOOOO

 

**TheSelfieStar:** OMG THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** ALL OF US HAVE TO COME 

 

**chrismatic:** haha he said come

 

**LeYO:** SEE YOU DUDES THERE

 

*******

 

**LeYO:** okay which of you assholes posted that there was going to be a party online

 

**Seung-BABoon:** PHICHIT 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** … was i not supposed to do that

 

**LeYO:** THERE ARE LIKE 200 PEOPLE HERE

 

**TheSelfieStar:** whoopsie daisy

 

**Isabella Yang:** i can’t find any of you 

 

**Isabella Yang:** i did not leave my hotel the night before a competition for this 

 

**Le Roi:** you’re not??? competing???

 

**LeYO:** hurry up and get over here, guys!!!

 

*******

 

**guacamole-hong:** OKAY WHICH OF YOU KEEPS SELLING PEOPLE GREEN TEA AND TELLING THEM ITS WEED 

 

**guacamole-hong:** A GUY HAS BEEN SMOKING IT OUTSIDE FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR AND I THINK HE HAS SOME SORT OF POISONING 

 

**LeYO:** pffFFFFT who would do such a tHING 

 

**guacamole-hong:** LEO 

 

**LeYO:** it’s not even green tea, it’s herbal 

 

**guacamole-hong:** oh my god

 

**katsudone:** YURIO COME QUICK YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS

 

**TheSelfieSON:** im hanging out with my cat, i dont have time for whatever lame thing you wanna show me

 

**katsudone:** OTABEK IS DJING???

 

**TheSelfieSON:** …

 

**TheSelfieSON:** ILL BE RIGHT THERE

 

*******

 

**TheSelfieSON:** my boyfriend is really hot 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** he’s a dj 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i stg if you’re drunk again…

 

**TheSelfieSON:** no, im just stating the facts 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** but someone keeps changing his sick beats to justin timberlake’s “sexy back” 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** … 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** HAS ANYONE SEEN CHRISTOPHE LATELY 

 

**LeYO:** come to think of it, no

 

**Skating_Jesus:** TELL OTABEK TO CHECK UNDERNEATH THE DJ BOOTH 

 

**~private message between TheSelfieSON and chrismatic~**

 

**TheSelfieSON:** GET OUT FROM UNDER THE DJ BOOTH

 

**chrismatic:** no

 

**TheSelfieSON:** STOP

 

**TheSelfieSON:** I KNOW UR JUST TRYING TO SUCK MY BF’S DICK 

 

**chrismatic:** im not  _ trying,  _ honey 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** run for your fuCKING life 

 

**~end of private message~**

 

**Skating_Jesus:** I JUST SAW CHRISTOPHE 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** WHERE DID HE RUN??

 

**Skating_Jesus:** … i feel like i would be a bad friend if i told you

 

**chrismatic:** DONT TELL HIM HE’S TRYING TO KILL ME

 

**Skating_Jesus:** … sorry chris, family comes first

 

**chrismatic:** WRONG

 

**chrismatic:** YOU COME FIRST

 

**chrismatic:** ;) 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** he’s hiding behind the lemon tree in the lobby

 

**chrismatic:** WHAT THE FUCK VIKTOR 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** thats what you get 

 

**chrismatic:** aaaAaaH 

 

*******

 

**Le Roi:** this party is great 

 

**LeYO:** NO IT’S ANARCHY 

 

**LeYO:** I MEANT FOR IT TO BE A FUN LIL GATHERING-TYPE-THING BUT PHICHIT RUINED THAT

 

**TheSelfieStar:** SORRY SORRY

 

**TheSelfieStar:** if it makes you feel better… im having fun

 

**LeYO:** WHOOPEDY DO 

 

**TheSelfieStar:** i… im sensing sarcasm 

 

**katsudone:** my sPIDEY SENSES ARE TInGLINHG ! 

 

**Isabella Yang:** im guessing yuuri k broke his no-drinking promise

 

**Skating_Jesus:** shush he’s being adorable 

 

**katsudone:** THINK ABOUT IT GUYS

 

**katsudone:** NOT  _ EVERYBODY  _ COULD HAVE BEEN KUNG-FU FIGHTING

 

**The Clear Winner:** If any of you see Yuri P, tell him I’m looking for him. 

 

**Le Roi:** last i checked, he was yelling about how beer-pong should be renamed “beersket-ball” 

 

**The Clear Winner:** Oh God. 

 

*******

 

**guacamole-hong:** PLEASE TELL ME I DIDNT JUST SEE SOMEONE SNORTING FLOUR???

 

**LeYO:** if it makes you feel better, i think it was actually chalk

 

**guacamole-hong:** if someone doesnt die by the end of tonight ill count myself lucky

 

**guacamole-hong:** WHERE DID THEY EVEN GET CHALK???

 

**TheSelfieSON:** yOOOooOOO

 

**guacamole-hong:** ffs im leaving 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY UPDATES HAVE BEEN SLOWER BECAUSE IM WORKING ON SOME OTHER STUFF, SORRY MATEYS. THERE WILL PROBABLY BE A PART 2 TO THE PARTY, IF YOU WANT.
> 
> (and I already said this last chapter but hmu at my tumblr, @yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy! i really want to interact with you guys)


	23. in which everyone wants revenge on everyone

**LeYO:** wow guys 

 

**LeYO:** leave me alone to clean up all by myself why dont you

 

**TheSelfieSON:** im still here

 

**LeYO:** … where??

 

**TheSelfieSON:** in your pantry

 

**TheSelfieSON:** top shelf

 

**LeYO:** oh sweet jesus how did you even fit yourself in there

 

**Le Roi:** he’s not exactly large, in case you hadn’t noticed 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** if i could move my legs i would kick ur ass

 

**Le Roi:** you’d have to wait in line to get access to  _ THIS _ FINE ASS!

 

**Isabella Yang:** sweety i want a divorce 

 

**Le Roi:** no i was joking

 

**Le Roi:** you’re the only one for my ass

 

**TheSelfieSON:** leo come fREE ME FROM YOUR PANTRY

 

**LeYO:**  all in favour of leaving yurio in there say aye

 

**Skating_Jesus:** aye 

 

**chrismatic:** aye 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** YOU CALL ME YOUR SON BUT WOULD LET ME DIE HERE

 

**Skating_Jesus:** calm tf down Edgelord

 

**Skating_Jesus:** there’s food in there

 

**Skating_Jesus:** you can last at least a week before the dehydration gets you

 

**Skating_Jesus:** maybe two if you’re willing to drink instant soup

 

**TheSelfieSON:** when i escape you are a dead man

 

**katsudone:** viktor, we can’t leave him there

 

**TheSelfieSON:** LISTEN

 

**TheSelfieSON:** TO

 

**TheSelfieSON:** HIM

 

**Skating_Jesus:** but honey

 

**Skating_Jesus:** he’s going to kill me if you free him

 

**katsudone:** it’s what you get for being so mean to him

 

**Skating_Jesus:** yuuri dont be like this

 

**The Clear Winner:** If you won’t do it, I will. It’s only a 10 minute drive from my hotel to Leo’s. 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** SEND HELP

 

**Skating_Jesus:** THAT ISNT ENOUGH TIME TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY

 

**TheSelfieSON:** beka pls 

 

**The Clear Winner:** Okay, on my way.

 

**Skating_Jesus:** nO 

 

**katsudone:** no need, i’m already freeing him

 

**Skating_Jesus:** so this is what betrayal feels like

 

**chrismatic:** lmao viktor gonna die

 

**Skating_Jesus:** lmao so are you mr. tried-to-give-otabek-the-succ

 

**chrismatic:** SHIT

 

**Le Roi:** it’s going to be so refreshing to see him trying to murder someone other than me?? 

 

**katsudone:** fair warning, he’s free now

 

**TheSelfieSON:** IF THERE ARE ANY MUSCLES LEFT IN YOUR OLD LEGS, YOU BETTER USE THEM, VIKTOR

 

**Skating_Jesus:** 28 isn’t even old i swear to gOD

 

**TheSelfieSON:** tell that to ur bald spot 

 

**LeYO:** i can see the headlines

 

**LeYO:** Russian Teen Found Dead 

 

**guacamole-hong:** wait i thought yuri was kicking VIKTOR’S ass??

 

**LeYO:** yurio brought up his bald spot

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i do nOT HAVE A BALD SPOT

 

**Skating_Jesus:** WHERE DID THAT LITTLE SHIT GO 

 

**TheSelfieSON:** gotta blast

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i’ll kick your flat ass to kingdom come

 

**The Clear Winner:** I’m on my way, Viktor.

 

**TheSelfieSON:** did you rlly expect to insult my ass and get away with it?

 

**Skating_Jesus:** i can take otabek, he’s a midget

 

**LeYO:** he is????

 

**Skating_Jesus:** he’s 5’6 

 

**Skating_Jesus:** what is he gonna do, gnaw on my knees? 

 

**LeYO:** guang-hong is even shorter than that and he can reach just high enough if you know what i mean

 

**guacamole-hong:** i do ;) 

 

**guacamole-hong:** it’s true guys, i can reach just high enough to punch him in the stomach 

 

**LeYO:** bb pls 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, i'm not dead! i didn't even realize it had been almost a month since i'd last updated. 
> 
> I kept meaning to write a chapter, but I keep psyching myself out?? Like, I go to start writing, and then I'm like "okay but this story is stupid anyway, nobody wants to read this, go be productive??" and it's a bad cycle to get into. I'll try harder next time, promise!
> 
> Anyway, leave comments, they really help me write more (and update more because sweet christ i'm inconsistent). hmu at my [yoi tumblr!!!](https://yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy.tumblr.com/)


	24. in which we all get angery

**TheSelfieStar:** IM aNgERY

 **TheSelfieStar:** I FUCKIN HATE MEDIA

 **katsudone:** ,,, phichit are u feeling alright?

 **Seung-BABoon:** i’m wondering the same thing

 **Seung-BABoon:** i have heard you say many ridiculous things, but never ‘i hate media’

 **TheSelfieStar:** WELL I DO

 **TheSelfieStar:** IM QUITTING

 **LeYO:** aww but babygirl

 **guacamole-hong:** i thought i was your babygirl??

 **LeYO:** you’re my bbboi

 **guacamole-hong:** :(

 **LeYO:** fine you can be my babygirl

 **guacamole-hong:** :)

 **TheSelfieStar:** thanks for asking if im okay, guys, i love you too

 **Seung-BABoon:** are you okay

 **TheSelfieStar:** WHY im glad you asked!!!

 **TheSelfieStar:** in fact, i am nOT OKAY!!

 **Seung-BABoon:** what’s wrong?

 **Seung-BABoon:** did beyonce announce a new album or smth

 **TheSelfieStar:** nO

 **TheSelfieStar:** i was just looking through the skating wikipedia page, out of pure curiosity, and guess what i should find

 **katsudone:** … what did you find?

 **TheSelfieStar:** “Katsuki Yuuri’s career was first guided by Celestino Cialdini, and later by his close friend and coach, Viktor Nikiforov.”

 **TheSelfieStar:** “C L O S E   F R I E N D   A N D   C O A C H”

 **minamegatron:**...

 **minamegatron:** WHAT???

 **Skating_Jesus:** WHO FUcKING wROTE ThSI

 **Skating_Jesus:** ILL RIP THEIR CHEAP WEAVE OFF

 **TheSelfieStar:** IKR IM SEEING rED

 **The Clear Winner:** That’s ridiculous. Didn’t they kiss on live television?

 **Skating_Jesus:** YES

 **Skating_Jesus:** WE DID

 **Skating_Jesus:** who is resPONSIBLE

 **TheSelfieSON:** seriously how can anyone still be debating over their relationship status

 **TheSelfieSON:** they’re so unbearably lovey-dovey

 **Skating_Jesus:** AHHHHGQWD&UWAQwQQDQEKJHQWDIUHIJED#ijesuSihjIUHDE@WIJOEWJIEH

 **katsudone:** viktor?

 **katsudone:** are you okay??

 **katsudone:** it doesn’t matter what people think, viktor, it’s just a stupid wikipedia page

 **Skating_Jesus:** NO BUT I JUST SCROLLED DOWN

 **Skating_Jesus:** PHICHIT SCROLL DOWN AND TELL ME IF MY EYES ARE DECIEVING ME OR IF THIS BULLSHIT IS FOR REAL

 **TheSelfieStar:** to where?

 **Skating_Jesus:** ALL THE WAY TO “public life”

 **TheSelfieStar:** gotcha

 **LeYO:** i, for one, am outraged

 **LeYO:** how dare they

 **Skating_Jesus:** HOW DARE TEY fCUCKIN INSINUATE THAT IM noT ENGAGED TO YUURI KASTUKI

 **katsudone:** babe please calm down

 **Skating_Jesus:** nO

 **TheSelfieStar:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **TheSelfieStar:** DONT SCROLL DOWN IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE ##ANGERY

 **katsudone:** what now??

 **TheSelfieStar:** “there are speculations about the nature of Katsuki Yuuri’s relationship with his coach, many fans referencing the ‘bromance’ between the two skaters online and at skating events”

 **Skating_Jesus:** I KNEW I SAW IT

 **Skating_Jesus:** I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE GONE BLIND WITH RAGE

 **katsudone:** okay literally what the fuck

 **minamegatron:** B R O M A N C E???

 **minamegatron:** HOW IS GETTING ENGAGED TO YOUR SOULMATE A BROMANCE???

 **TheSelfieSON:** there are a lot of people online that think they’re doing a good thing

 **TheSelfieSON:** the arguments i get on every picture of you guys are so fucking stupid

 **TheSelfieSON:** “Why do they have to be gay?? Because they’re figure skaters? That’s a filthy stereotype. Let male skaters be feminine and straight!!1!”

 **Skating_Jesus:** um excuse me but i would rather die

 **Le Roi:** Im all for male-figure-skater-straightness-visibility, but even i can see what a reach that is

 **Isabella Yang:** they kissed on live television

 **Isabella Yang:** they announced their engagement to the world

 **Isabella Yang:** they moved in together

 **Isabella Yang:** if that’s a bromance, i guess JJ and I are bros too???

 **Le Roi:** totally babe

 **Le Roi:** we’re Bros

 **Isabella Yang:** best bros

 **Isabella Yang:** in fact, we’re such good bros that im going to marry you

 **Le Roi:** … bro <3

 **Isabella Yang:** im posting something about our relationship and calling you my bro and if the reporters dont change out wikipedia im calling their bitch asses out on it

 **Skating_Jesus:** I LOVE U ISABELLA

 **Isabella Yang:** i love you too, you big gay fuck

 **TheSelfieStar:** no need, i already changed their wikipedia!!!

**TheSelfieStar:**

****

**katsudone:** holy shit is that real??

 **TheSelfieStar:** you can bet ur perfect ass it is

 **Skating_Jesus:** IF I WERENT ENGAGED TO YUURI I WOULD TOTALLY PROPOSE TO YOU RN

 **TheSelfieStar:** IF I WERENT IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP I WOULD TOTALLY SAY YES

 **Skating_Jesus:** i can see it now; me, the looks and you, the brains

 **Seung-BABoon:** he’s out of your league, nikiforov

 **TheSelfieStar:** plus im fine with a capital F?? you are _not_ the looks in this theoretical relationship

 **Skating_Jesus:** IM BEING BULLIED

 **Skating_Jesus:** THIS IS BLATANT DISCRIMINATION TOWARDS RUSSIANS

**TheSelfieSON: …**

**TheSelfieSON:** welcome to my life  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) yes i know i've been spelling angry wrong, i promise that it's intentional
> 
> 2) I POSTED THIS IN HONOUR OF THE NEW YOI MOVIE THAT'S BEEN CONFIRMED. IS ANYONE ELSE AS PSYCHED AS I AM?? I LITERALLY SCREAMED WHEN I SAW IT. SOMEONE SCREAM WITH ME PLS PLS PLS
> 
> 3) leave me comments and stuff, and feel free to come scream with me on my [yoi tumblr](https://yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy.tumblr.com/)!!!


	25. in which it's time to celebrate!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (the laughing cow)

**TheSelfieStar:** GOOD MORNING EVERYBODY!!

 

 **katsudone:** IT _IS_ A GOOD MORNING

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** you know what makes it a good morning?

 

 **TheSelfieSON:** the fact that every morning we get through gets us closer to the end of our miserable existences?

 

  **TheSelfieStar:**  wrong!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IT’S A GOOD DAY BECAUSE (drum roll please)....

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** *drums to the tune of eye of the tiger*

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!

 

 **katsudone:** i cant believe this dumb fuck, aka my best friend, was born on this day 21 years ago

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i think you meant to say ‘i love and appreciate you, phichit, and i wish you an amazing year’

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** … i actually didnt know today was your birthday. I feel kind of bad about that.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** there’s no reason to!!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** we’ve only been dating for like a month

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** it’s not like the birthday conversation has come up yet

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Yes, it’s still a bit early.

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** still

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** it feels weird that i didnt even know that

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** dont sweat it!

 

 **chrismatic:** lmao yeah, if it had been YOUR bday today, phichit would have been the one apologizing and i bet you wouldnt mind

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i wouldn’t

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** my birthday is in june btw

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i know!

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** how?!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i was looking at wikipedia pages yesterday, remember?

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** yeah but i don’t expect you to retain any information from wikipedia pages you skimmed

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** I DIDNT!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** just the basic stuff

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** like how your birthday is on june 6th 1994

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** you were born on a sunny summer day in the afternoon, at approximately 12:27 PM. you were born without hair but with alert eyes, and began making strange at only 6 months old.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** throughout ur childhood you tried a variety of different hobbies before you found skating at age 8, including oboe-playing, irish-dancing, and computer-programming

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** you exhibit many of the typical traits of gemini, which is your zodiac sign, and your ruling planet is mercury.

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** …

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** what the fuck

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** also your vedic moon sign is the mithun rashi

  ****

**Seung-BABoon:**... i didnt even know that

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** you’re not exactly making me feel less guilty

 

 **chrismatic:** there’s no way to hold urself to that standard its a ridiculous amount of devotion

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** …

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** phichit

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** theoretically, is there a good time for me to come visit you today? I want to surprise you.

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** ANYTIME!!!

 

 **katsudone:** um are you sure about that?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** WAIT NVM NO

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** ANYTIME AFTER 6 PM PROBABLY

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** I FORGOT THAT I WAS SPENDING THE DAY WITH MY HOMEBOY KATSUKI

 

 **Yuuri:** am i that forgettable?

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** nO!!!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** i just got over excited about seeing my bf

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** you’re just as important

 

 **katsudone:** <3

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** <3

 

 **katsudone:** alright so im on my way to phichit’s hotel, talk to you later guys!

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** same, bye!! See you at 6 seung-gil

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** see you

 

**~Seung-BABoon created “Help Chat”~**

 

**Seung-BABoon added katsudone, The Clear Winner, guacamole-hong**

 

 **The Clear Winner:** What is this chat?

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** read the title and get back to me

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Ah. Yes.

 

 **The Clear Winner:** What do you need help with?

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** relationship stuff

 

 **katsudone:** why are there only four of us in this chat??

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** because you’re the only ones that are either 1) in a relationship (2) not going to use this as a receipt and/or (3) know phichit well

 

 **The Clear Winner:** I don’t know Phichit at all.

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** but you got voted cutest unofficial couple earlier, so you obviously have something going for you in the boyfriend department

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Point taken.

 

 **katsudone:** so what do you need help with specifically, seung-gil?

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i need to find a gift for phichit before 6 pm today, and i have no idea what to get him

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i know he likes hamsters but i can’t wrap a hamster

 

 **The Clear Winner:** Wrap a hamster in a cage.

 

 **Seung-BABoon:**  ...this is why you’re in the group

 

 **katsudone:** NO THATS A TERRIBLE IDEA NO NO NO

 

 **katsudone:** i mean he would probably love it

 

 **katsudone:** BUT TERRIBLE FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE’S SANITY

 

 **katsudone:** you dont want to have to deal with 12 hamster babies when the hamsters start doing the deed, trust me

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** you’re right

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i’m too young to be a father

 

 **katsudone:** guang-hong is normally the best at gift ideas!

 

 **katsudone:** but he’s terrified of you so don’t expect his help

 

 **guacamole-hong:** OMG YUURI THAT;S A TOTAL LiE

 

 **katsudone:** mmm hmm

 

 **katsudone:** how come you always go pale whenever phichit invites seung-gil somewhere?

 

 **guacamole-hong:** … much like time, fear is a human-made concept

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** how am i possibly threatening??

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i’ve never picked a fight or hurt someone before

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** and i’m 5’7 weighing in at about 110 pounds

 

 **guacamole-hong:** YEAH WELL THAT’S INTIMIDATING WHEN UR 5’3 AND 90 POUNDS

 

 **katsudone:** omg is that true

 

 **guacamole-hong:** yep

 

 **katsudone:** OMG YOU’RE SO TINY AHHHHHH

 

 **guacamole-hong:** leave me alone yuuri!! 

 

 **guacamole-hong:** and to answer ur quedstion, i'm pretty sure that phichit is the kind of guy who would appreciate an experience more than a material gift? so like, think of something you can  _do_ for him instead of something you can  _get_ him?

 

 **guacamole-hong:** off the top of my head

 

 **Seung-BABoon:**... that's actually helpful

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** i thought you were going to be the most useless person in this chat

 

 **guacamole-hong:** ouch

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** sorry, honesty is policy

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** so do you think it would be a good idea to take him to a carnival or something? i was thinking of that but im not sure.

 

 **katsudone:** THAT'S PERFECT OMG

 

 **guacamole-hong:** he'd love that!!

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** are you sure?

 

 **The Clear Winner:** he strikes me as the kind of guy who'd like anything where you can take pictures

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** you're not wrong

 

**~end of 'Help Chat'~**

**~'in skating we axel'~**

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** where did you all go

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** you all just left me here??

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** EVERYONE IS POSTING ABOUT PHICHIT ON INSTAGRAM AND IM OUT OF THE LOOP

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** fine, i guess it's time for me to conveniently exit this chat for the benefit of the reader

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** i'll check my Instagram while waiting for the next chapter

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** WAIT NO IT'S FULL OF SEUNGCHUCHU SELFIES AT A CARNIVAL

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** awww, it reminds me of me and Yuuri's first dates!!

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** im totally posting this on my tumblr blog

 

 **Skating_Jesus:** ill get so many new followers

 

 **TheSelfieStar:**...

 

 **TheSelfieStar:** does anyone else ever get the feeling that viktor knows something we dont?

 

 **Seung-BABoon:** all the fucking time

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS TO [Yati25](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Yati25/pseuds/Yati25) FOR THIS IDEA! i know you said you wanted a birthday-bash, but we already had a party recently, and while i meant to write this chapter as a party, group chats are unpredictable in the way that you start writing and it goes in a completely different direction than you planned. I hope you're okay with the change, and I'll try to slip an American-style bash in there at some point! 
> 
> This is chapter is obviously in honour of my son's birthday. (AHHH I FORGOT THAT MY DAD AND PHICHIT CHULANONT SHARe A BIRTHDAY! do you guys think he would notice if i wrote "phichit" on the cake instead of "dad"? Phichit IS pretty daddy sooo)
> 
> PS: yes the title is just for the sake of the chapter summary

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Yuri!! on Ice fanfiction, so I hoped you liked it. This was really silly but I had fun doing it. If I get enough requests, I'll definetly continue it. Leave me kudos or comments, mateys! and check out my [yoi tumblr!!!](https://yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Skaters Guide to Group Chats](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9269246) by [Bako_Chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bako_Chan/pseuds/Bako_Chan)
  * [Game of Skates](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9335993) by [Hayetegypt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayetegypt/pseuds/Hayetegypt)
  * [icy boiiis](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9577409) by [foxtona01](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxtona01/pseuds/foxtona01)




End file.
